All Things and Donkeys

I used to love to write in my journal. I could express all the joy that lived in me always impossible to contain. I lost a lot of love for many things in my life. This did not result because of my lack of love for the things of the world but rather a lack of love for The Savior. Interestingly how it works: The more love I had for my LORD the more I was able to love all things. It is like my love for Him only enabled me to love more and more. But as time passes and as we finite, fallible creatures succumb to our own weakness we start looking to the result instead of the source. And as that happens we lose all. Of course it would be wrong to look at the Savior only for His benefits, but I believe that is what is so beautiful about our relationship with Him. That as we make Him our all, our everything, when we truly abide in Him and our joy rests in Him we are able to even enjoy those things that we might find otherwise boring or irrelevant. With God at the center of our heart, our True joy, it is as if we see the world through a different lens. I can enjoy all things because in all things He is my joy.

This was an excerpt from my journal while I was in the community. Some things are just that much clearer away from all the hustle and demands of the city. I believe that same day we had to round up some donkeys and they ended up running away from us making it to the well (the same one we drank out of). After many amusing attempts by the two gringos and the whole village getting a front seat at the very new and very ineffective techniques of rounding up donkeys we finally managed to bring them home. I used to think Donkeys were interesting creatures but after that experience I understood why their name became a pejorative term.

Either way, I have found that when we simplify things in life much of our worries fade into the background and we can have a better picture of the Savior.

Greatest Day of Eleanor

I apologize for the delay in writing. I know there is much time that elapses between blogs but I do appreciate your visits. The delay comes from an overall apathy mixed with indifference. My partner and I were supposed to be in the communities over a week ago but due to political unrest we have had to wait.

It has been as if I have been sleep walking these past few days waiting for life to wake me up. I feel as if I need to confront God and just come to His burning presence.

In that burning I have found that I have placed my significance on the conditional, various circumstances, the changing of the season. I am left wanting because I don´t find myself in the Unconditional. But here is the grind: When I am not ¨serving¨ God or in a sense doing my work I find my life without meaning as if I am drifting. This begs to imply that my significance depends on my work, my actions instead of God Himself. Another form of idolatry that is very subtle as it stands in the high places far away from the throne. I believe if I cannot find my meaning, my worth in Him right now when all I can do is be then all my work and service in His Name is shallow and in a sense defiled.

Maybe e that is what I am finally learning. This could be the lesson that I must learn before I move on or at least just face the day given to me. That who I am is not based on what I do as much as my position before Christ. The nearer I am to His Presence the more I am capable to do His work and the purer the work will be. My significance lies within the Heart of God.

I named the title of this blog after the Smashing Pumpkins´ song, ¨Today.¨ When I was in High School I used to blare this song before school everyday and claim the lyrics for myself: ¨Today is the greatest day I have ever known.¨ Though of course the first time I heard this song with my boy, Dino, I thought ole Billy was saying, ¨Today is the greatest day of Eleanor.¨ I thought, ¨Who is Eleanor and why is the day so great to her?¨ I always thought this would be a great name of a book or something.

Either way I am learning the preciousness of each day because I am finding that preciousness in Christ. The days and seasons are just waves breaking against the immovable rock. I find that the greatness in the day is because of the greatness of the Savior.

So celebrate with Eleanor and me in the greatest day we´ve ever known.

Chariots and Horses

I am still in Sucre and waiting for the arrival of my mom and our vacation. During these past few weeks my new partner, Efrain Mosquera from Colombia, has arrived and we both have been focusing on learning Quechua. Efrain has been with the team for over a year and a half now. He and Bobby Lane worked with the Yaminauah in the jungles of Peru, where the Yaminauah now have their own church and missionaries to reach their own people. We are really happy to have him.

This time has been good for resting and preparing for the next trip which should be the most exciting of them all as we are going to start storying with the Quechua in Quchumi. Recently I have been translating the story of creation from Spanish to Quechua (who would have ever thought?) and though it has been quite difficult I feel so excited about what our LORD will do through His beautiful word.

¨Some trust in Chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.¨
- Psalms 20:7

A friend of mine told me that they were praying the chapter of Psalm 20 for me while I was in the community. Verse seven of this chapter has always stood out to me. When I was a kid I thought it was kind of funny. I mean why would someone trust in a horse? It seemed to be to me all too silly. But after growing up a little and studying scripture especially in the times of the Judges and Kings I realized how much importance it was to have horses and chariots. The very numbers determined battles and gave hope to men or broke their spirits.

Time and time again when the numbers were against Israel God showed His power and saved His people. In many instances the Kings would lose heart at the sight of the great number of horses and chariots before them. Some even hired other nations to protect them. I reflected on this when I was in the community and though as I kid I thought it funny to trust in a horse in many ways I found myself still doing so, whether I was trusting in my own strength to get through the day or just the circumstances that appeared favorable to our mission. We put trust in the things we think will give victory but reality we are shown that victory is only given by God in ways we would never expect.

I guess that is one of the tests of faith. To look across the battlefield and know that we are in enemy territory and outnumbered on all accounts, and be able to reach down and find that hope in our LORD.

I look at the upcoming days in the community of Quchumi and I know that we are in enemy territory and in many ways outnumbered. We are able to face this with joy and hope because we are there in His Name. We are able to trust that He will do all and eliminate all obstacles in order for His Glory, His Precious Name to be known. Though some trust in chariots and some in horses, we will trust in the name of the LORD, our God.

Moments of Silence

I can honestly say that one of my biggest vices and biggest weaknesses is impatience. I am sure anyone can confirm this with any of my friends or family. When I ran track the worst thing about a track meet was the time I had to wait before my race. I would sit there on the bleachers watching everyone else do their event, sitting in the unbearable sun, listening to my CD player, trying not to think of the four hours before my race. It would never fail and my nerves would start to get to me and I would get restless. I was already so nervous for the race to sit there and have all the time in the world before my event was the worst. I could not enjoy a meet until my event was over. I remember being so unbearable. By the time my race came about I was so worked up that I was mentally shot because I had wasted so much energy being impatient. Sometimes I feel I am in that state now...impatiently waiting for my race.

Patience is defined in the dictionary as ¨the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.¨ Also, ¨an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay.¨ 1

I never saw this impatience as a serious evil…until recently. There has been much delay since I have gotten out of training. I had touched briefly on this in my other post, ¨Walking in the Wilderness.¨ I find myself still there, still complaining. I have been able to see my impatience, my attitude towards the situation as fervor or a strong passionate desire to do ¨what¨ I came here to do. The Father has been showing me something different, which I would like to think recently but know He has been trying to tell me for sometime.

The evil of impatience I have found breeds many more vices. It is a mother vice. In my impatience, in my complaints that my present circumstance are somehow not satisfactory, that God is not ¨using¨ me, I have found my self doubting, fearing, and questioning the Will of God. It is as if He is not enough in all circumstances. Who am I to not bear annoyance, irritation, or the like when confronted with delay? Our Lord Jesus waited 30 years before starting His ministry and I am sure during that time ¨grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God…¨ (Luke 2:52)

In Hebrew, I believe (correct me if I am wrong) the word for wait is the same word for hope. Or at the very least is interchangeable in the translation to English. I find this to be so beautiful. In waiting on God we are hoping for what is to come. By being impatient I have shown my lack of trust and faith. But I am ready to hope. I am ready to be patient and allow Him to speak to me and enjoy His presence.

In struggling in this matter, my boss made an incredible analogy. Though I know almost nothing about music, he explained this situation like a piece played on a piano. That the audience hears beautiful melodies and walks away remembering the main parts, the climaxes of the piece. But, he said, it is the moments of silence that no one notices but are most essential in setting up the parts that are the most memorable. It is a preparation, a climatic anticipation that truly creates something so beautiful.

I can remember so many times in my life periods of waiting on the next thing and being impatient in the process. I am still learning this, and maybe this is what I have to learn before I can start racing again. But I can also tell you that these ¨moments of silence¨ were always precursors to God doing an amazing work in my life. I cannot begin to grasp to what God is up to now with all this waiting, all this silence. But I wait and I hope and in this, in Him I can have joy and trust His timing. I will be thankful for this moment of silence for I know that something beautiful will proceed.

1. Dictionary - http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/patience

Out of the Grey Twilight

One of the things I like about South America is that they name streets and plazas after important days in their history. One can see almost anywhere a street named 9 de Agosto or 24 de Septiembre. Though they mean almost absolutely nothing to me (except September 24th is Carmen’s, my sister-in-law, birthday) they have grown into something to celebrate, something to remember, something to reflect on what they were before and what they became after.

I believe April 18th will always have this importance to me. Today, the 18th of April, is exactly a year since a stepped on Peruvian soil to embrace the work that the Lord had called me to do. More importantly, however, it is my mom’s birthday. If you will indulge me a little, I was hoping to dedicate this blog to my mom, Mary Ann Michael.

Where should I begin to describe my mother? She is probably the most wonderful person I know in this world. She is so beautiful, though in her humility she would never admit it. I was so fortunate to inherit her dark eyes and auburn hair. She is intelligent, and discerning, and has a depth of wisdom not seen in many people. She has always been so committed to the Lord and so insistent about doing the right thing. My mom used to tell me when I was faced with a decision that had any moral weight, “I trust you will do the right thing.” Of course this was enough for me to do the right thing. Her commitment to us as a family was second to none, and we never did without. But more importantly she was always there for us, always ready to listen, always there when we needed her.

She is probably the coolest mother in the world as well. On any given day, walking into the house I could always find my mom so content to be watching a baseball game (it could be just as well be basketball, hockey, or football) while doing a load of clothes (usually mine). At all my games from little league to high school she kept my all my stats, no matter what the sport. After the game she would usually give me advice on how I could have played better. She one time caught for me when I used to pitch to help me warm up. Though after receiving a wild pitch in the throat we decided it best not to do that anymore. Since I have been down in South America she always giving me updates on the major sports and it is great that we share the same passionate hatred for Duke, Atlanta Braves, Dallas Cowboys, and the Boston Redsox. She also loves action flicks and novels. And at the same time she has a love for cats, even though at one time she was allergic. I can also say that I have had some of my best talks on theology and life with her, and she always listens despite my nonsense.

I think her greatest legacy has been her battles with Cancer, and how she has overcome them one by one through the strength of our Gracious Father. She has been diagnosed with cancer four different times, and it has been through this that she has allowed herself to grow, to trust, and to come out of it stronger every time. She used to say if she could only see all her kids graduate that she would be so thankful. And that day came, and I started to realize how precious she saw each and everyday. Her continual faith has been the greatest example I have ever seen and I could not be more blessed.

And so today is her birthday and her son is a million miles away. It was on her birthday this time last year that I last saw her. She has been my biggest supporter since I have been here and it was she that instilled in me a belief that I could do anything, because she always believed in me. And so here I am.

She gave me this quote from Theodore Roosevelt that says,

¨The person who succeeds is not the one who holds back, fearing failure, nor the one who never fails…but rather the one who moves on in spite of failure. Far better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumph, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with these poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat.¨

And so on the 18th of April I finally stepped out of the grey twilight that I had known for so long I became willing to be in the arena where I would face many defeats and many victories and lay my life in the hands of my Lord and trust that that alone is victory. What I have learned since I have been down here though I have always seen it in my mother is that great men are not great because of their accomplishments, for if anything those are given from the Lord, but it is how a man face circumstances no matter how beautiful, or how dire.

My mother taught me this if only by living it. And for her, for all that she is, I am thankful to the Father who lavishes us undeserving creatures with such a blessing. For her I celebrate the 18th of April, and if I was Peruvian I would name a street after this day.

Walking in the Wilderness

I am in Lima right now, just got out of the jungle near Pucallpa where I helped with the training that is going on now. I am still waiting on my partners to get their money so please keep praying for them. One of the trainees, Jeffrey Johnson, has since joined our team. He has to have surgery before he can start the work but we are excited about him coming to the team.

These past few months have been good and challenging but also hard in so many ways. The LORD has been working through me in many areas of my life and I wanted to share how. I will try to make this a little more brief as I have received complaints from my boss that they are too long. My bad.

I came here almost a year ago now, all with the intentions, the dreams, the expectations that the Father was going to use me and I would see Him move through a people group and they would come to know Him and His Glory. There have been many things that have delayed my actually working with my people group from arriving in the middle of a training having to wait three months to go through my own training, to not having partners and fulfilling obligations of the team. I have met a lot of frustration having the Quechua in my sights but not yet arriving. I have had in the back of my mind yet surfacing too often the idea that God will just not use me here, that I won’t see the work of His hand.

Reading in Deuteronomy the other day I came upon the passage in chapter eight that says, “And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep is commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.”

The Israelites were given the promise over four hundred years before, and though they were able to leave Egypt having the Promise Land in sight, they still had to walk for forty years until they were ready to receive the promise. It was hard to think that I could come down here for the desire for people to know Him, to be used in this way and after all that was done was me being changed and nothing more. But as I have walked these “forty years in the wilderness” I realized how much I needed that change and I have come to know that if He is going to use me He will use me in His way. My heart is stubborn and foolish, and this process has been necessary and still is to rid me of the things that hinder my usefulness to the Kingdom.

My prayer is that I will start living on the Word, that when tested the Father will be pleased to know what is in my heart, and that not by my acts or righteousness but by the mercy and grace of the LORD I will see this promised land.

“For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land…And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.”

The Road I´m On

Part of my job is to travel...travel a lot. After having a moment of weakness, complaining that I had seen no victory (O how foolish I was), that I was just barely surviving. I then started reading in my journal and saw all the many things the LORD had brought me through, all the ways He had kept me safe, and how He had brought me to every place I needed to be.

This is a list that I was able to extract from my journal and expense reports and in the end I was blown away at the Faithfulness of the LORD, and how He had been with me everywhere I went.

4/18/7 - Orlando to Atlanta to Lima, Peru (plane)
4/19/7 - Lima to Puerto Maldonado (plane)
5/23/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco
5/24/7 - Cusco to Lima
5/26/7 - Lima to Tarapoto
5/28/7 - Tarapato to Yurimaguas
5/30/7 - Yurimaguas to Nueva Vida
6/14/7 - Nueva Vida to Yurimaguas
6/16/7 - Yurimaguas to Tarapoto
6/17/7 - Tarapoto to Lima
6/19/7 - Lima to Pucallpa (plane)
6/20/7 - Pucallpa to Samán (boat)
7/8/7 - Samán to Pucallpa (boat)
7/13/7 - Pucallpa to Lima (plane)
7/17/7 - Lima to Cusco
7/18/7 - Cusco to Puerto Maldonado
7/20/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco (plane)
7/22/7 - Cusco to Tacna
7/23/7 - Tacna to Arica, Chile to Tacna
7/23/7 - Tacna to Lima (plane)
7/27/7 - Lima to Puerto Maldonado (plane)
8/31/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/2/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
9/10/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/12/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
9/17/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/19/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
9/24/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/29/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/4/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/6/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/12/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/14/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/19/7 -Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/20/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/21/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Lima (plane)
10/23/7 - Lima to Puerto Maldonado (plane)
10/27/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/29/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
11/9/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco
11/11/7 - Cusco to Sicuani
11/12/7 - Sicuani to Cusco
11/15/7 - Cusco to Puerto Maldonado
11/28/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco
11/30/7 - Cusco to Lima
12/3/7 - Lima to Guayaquil, Ecuador
12/4/7 - Guayaquil to Quito
12/14/7 - Quito to Borbón
12/15/7 - Borbón to Loma Linda (boat)
12/16/7 - Loma Linda to Zapallo Grande (boat)
12/17/7 - Zapallo Grande to Borbón to Esmeraldes to Quito
12/23/7 - Quito to Guayaquil
1/2/8 - Guayaquil to Lima, Peru
1/4/8 - Lima to Cusco
1/6/8 - Cusco to Puno
1/7/8 - Puno to Copacabana, Bolivia
1/9/8 - Copacabana to La Paz
1/11/8 - La Paz to Oruro to Llallagua
1/12/8 - Llallagua to Pocoata
1/18/8 - Pocoata to Llallagua to Oruro to Cochabamba
1/21/8 - Cochabamba to Santa Cruz (plane)
1/22/8 - Santa Cruz to Santiago, Chile (plane)
1/29/8 - Santiago to Santa Cruz to Cochabamba (plane)
1/29/8 - Cochabamba to Oruro
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2/1/8 - Oruro to Llallagua
2/4/8 - Llallagua to Oruro
2/6/8 - Oruro to Llallagua to Pocoata
2/7/8 - Pocoata to Colqa Pampa (walking)
2/9/8 - Colqa Pampa to Pocoata (walking)
2/11/8 - Pocoata to Colqa Pampa to Taruqa to Qarchumi (walking)
2/13/8 - Qarchumi to Colqa Pampa to Pocoata (walking)
2/16/8 - Pocoata to Llallagua to Oruro
2/17/8 - Oruro to La Paz

2/20/8 - La Paz to Puno

2/21/8 - Puno to Arequipa

2/28/8 - Arequipa to Lima

3/2/8 - Lima to Pucallpa

3/12/8 - Pucallpa to Lima
3/30/8 - Lima to La Paz
3/31/8 - La Paz to Sucre
4/8/8 - Sucre to Cochabamba
4/10/8 - Cochabamba to Santa Cruz
4/15/8 - Santa Cruz to Lima, Peru (Plane)
4/28/8 - Lima to Cusco
5/2/8 - Cusco to Puno
5/3/8 - Puno to La Paz, Boliva
5/4/8 - La Paz to Cochabamba

· The travels that have no description after them means we traveled by bus or taxi.

I take a lot of buses. Many of these buses take anywhere from ten hours to over thirty hours. On a bus we don´t have much to do. They usually blare horrible regge music or show some movie from the eighties that I didn´t know Kevin Costner played in dubbed in horrible spanish. Many times it is a good opportunity to pray, to reflect, and just try to focus on what needs to be done in the future.

I started training on the 12th of August and it ended on the 20th of November. During this time my partner and I would take trips to this community called Laberinto about an hour away to practice stories and just being a missionary.

Boats would range anywhere from a peki peki, which is a boat carved out of a tree with a very undependable motor called a peki (hence the name) to a huge boat called a launcha, where the boat was full of hammocks stretching from one end to another. Going from Samán to Pucallpa was a three day ride.

I know it just appears to be places and dates and nothing more to many people, but to me I am able to see how we waited for a boat for a week because of a strike in a city, how my symptoms for Typhoid went away hours before a two day boat ride, and how no matter what the situation the LORD brought me safely home and always on His timing, which is always the right time.

So, this is the road I´m on and who knows for how long. At times I have no place to rest my head, but resting in Him and having Him walk this road with me I could not be in a better place.

Back to the Holy Hill

I have been wanting to share what the Lord has been doing in my life ever since training. It has been many a valley and mountain but a journey that eventually brought me to the sweet presence of the Savior.

After training a spent a month in Ecuador with a native of the land, Fausto, that went through training with me. We did an investigation trip up in the north of Ecuador of a people group we are looking to engage in the future with Xtreme Team. For some reason, many reasons, I just really struggled spiritually there. I had a few highlights, one of them being with my brother Mateo Baker and just be really encouraged by his walk and seeing how the Lord is working through him. It was, however, a time I just really struggled to maintain time with the Lord and stay focused. The actual people group I am working with seemed to be lifetimes a way and I started listening to the lies of the enemy that the Lord would just not use me, that He could not use me. On top of this it just seemed like I found myself around everyone else´s family around Christmas time and I just felt terribly lonely.

During Christmas time I got really sick, some kind of infection, and it just deepened my valley. This prolonged my meeting up with my partners and being able to head to Bolivia.

I was finally able to go and I took an almost two day bus ride from Guayaquil, Ecuador to Lima, Peru, that day took a day long bus ride to Cusco, from Cusco to Puno, and then from Puno another bus ride to Copacabana in Bolivia. We were headed to La Paz and eventually our base camp when there was Paro, or a blockade that Bolivia does every now and then, and all the roads were shut down. So, we were stuck. That day I got really sick again. This is when I felt totally defeated and attacked from every side.

I wish I could explain this situation, and I hope to do it justice because it was something so profound, terrible, and wonderful all at the same time. My struggle was that I was attacked with all these feelings of doubt, fear, and guilt. I felt so weak, so helpless, so worthless and I had been crying out to the Lord asking for some kind of relief. And to be honest, ashamed as well, I could not understand why I was struggling so much with all these feelings. I had been in the continent away from family and friends, spending so much time alone for many months, and I was proud that I had survived and was keeping on. It had now felt that the Lord had taken away His protective Hand and was now leaving me to myself, to my weaknesses, to my overall inability.

I began to search for sin in my life, disobedience, anything that was hindering my relationship with my Father. The one glimmer of hope that I did have was that it might have been from the enemy and the Lord had something truly, wonderfully special for me, that He was going to use me and it was something that the Enemy was trying to prevent.

In the end I was really, truly, desperately seeking the Lord, for answers, for understanding, for endurance, for fellowship, anything to save me from the mire that I found myself in, and absolutley helpless of getting out. And one thing that I have to confess is that over the previous months I had been not having much time with the Lord, not in the sense that I was seeking Him, and not satisfied until we had our fellowship. I knew at the time, even was confident, that it had been the Lord who had carried me this whole time, had been my strength, had pushed me along the road, and with out His Hand I was utterly, hopelessly, tragically lost.

The Lord had been walking with me so intimately despite my neglect, my lack of passion, and in order for me to realize what a grave, dangerous position I was in, He let me walk alone for a bit. How lonely I truly was. It wasn´t just that I had been away from friends, family, and any type of thing familiar, but the Lord, my King, my passion, my life had been removed from me and I could not feel Him.

But it is in the absence of something that one finally realizes what it meant to them.

So, to try to describe how it was, it felt as if God had been wanting me to come into His presence, to be in The Holy Hill, to be consumed by His righteousness and goodness...but I was settling for just getting by, walking alone. And by withdrawing His Hand, His presence it brought me to the point of desperately seeking Him. It is really only in this place of desperately needing Him that is an accurate description of our relation to Him. I must be in this state of desperation at all times of constantly seeking Him and not being satisfied until I am on top of that terrible, beautiful mountain, that Holy Hill.

¨O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your Holy Hill?¨

I also have to give a thanks to all those who prayed for me that knew I was struggling, and to those who prayed without knowing what spiritually was going on. Being without contact at times can bring me to a place that I am utterly alone and I feel that I am fighting this uphill battle with no support. But part of the lesson that I learned, that the Father wanted to show me, was that I have so many warriors praying for me, lifting their hands on the hill interceding for me, and that I am not alone. To all of you who pray so conistently, you are so important to me, so dear to my heart. God is using you in such a mighty way to carry me through all of this. From the bottom of my heart I give you thanks. I am eternally indebted to you.

A Return to Dust

Training Part 1

I am finally out of training. I hope in the next week or so I can post all about my time in the jungle learning how to be a missionary, but as I know it is hard to read one incredibly long post, I will break it up into different posts depending on the subject. Hopefully add more pictures later as well.

The first thing I will share is an experience that I shared earlier that my boss posted on the Facebook Group site, Xtremers. It was probably one of the most if not the most important lesson I ever learned:

This is my testimony, but in reality it is more of a confession. I am here in the jungle with nine other brothers from totally different cultures and I am learning a lot. A lot that has been somewhat of a surprise to me. Here in the jungle it is amazing at how I have been able to reflect on my life so easily. God is revealing things in my life, ugly, horrible things that exist in the darkest part of my heart that I believe I have been hiding from all my life and still struggle with. We were challenged to meditate and spend time with God listening to his voice. I began speaking to God, and it felt like my words were going nowhere, and God wanted me to listen. Against my comfortable feelings, I began to listen. God began to tell me all the junk that existed in me. I was absolutely horrified by the sin in my heart. Being here, I have been struggling with so many things, life in the jungle, relationships with my brothers here, and mostly with the language. My thinking, though I probably wouldn’t have admitted it, or even acknowledge it, was trying to do this and that to earn God’s favor, to earn the favor of men, to win souls, and in reality I was doing it all for my glory. In my life I had been trying, trying so hard to “win souls,” to make revival happen because of my actions. After reading 1 Corithians 1:17, “Not with words of eloquent wisdom, lest the cross of Christ be emptied of it’s power,” God was telling me that I had been emptying it’s power for so long because I wanted the glory, because I wanted to “earn the crown.” It was such a humbling time, a horrible time, but a time I was completely broken in the presence of God Almighty and I was scared out of my mind. All the things I had been and still am struggling with, I thought I had to overcome with my strength in order that a people could be reached. God basically laughed at me and asked me, “Who are you? What can you do?” It is God’s work to win souls; my only job is to share God’s word, lest I get the glory when the glory belongs to Him. I am dust and my glory is dust. For so long I have been trying to appear righteous before man, fooling them, fooling myself, but in reality, in the light of my Savior, I am unrighteous, unholy, nothing. And what at first felt like such a sting to my pride, was actually a release of a burden I had carried my whole life. I am free to share God’s word and leave the work of transforming hearts to Him. I am ready to listen to God’s voice, to obey where He leads, but most of all I am ready to let myself be used despite my weakness, in order to see His glory be displayed. A part of me is ashamed to share this, because it reveals such an ugly side, but in truth, I feel much freer to share this because I know that whatever happens God will be glorified, and for that I am grateful and rejoice.

In Psalms 90, Moses writes,

¨Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the Earth and
the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God. You return man to dust.¨

To be dust one can truly see that it is God who is working with His great power for His great Glory. But what a privilige to be a part of this great work, and though we are dust we are still considered Sons of the Living God.

In this Psalm, Moses writes,

¨Let the work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their
children. Let the favor of the LORD our God be upon us and establish the
work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!¨

I will be working with the Chayanta Quechua in the mountains of Bolivia of whom less than 2% have heard the Gospel. Pray that God will prepare their hearts for His message and that He will establish the work of our hands.

Half the Battle

The last post was kind of serious. I hope this one is a little lighter, but maybe still of some value.
When I first went out into the jungle, I took all the things I needed. Shirts, socks, pants, soap, you know, the essentials. Well, an epiphany came upon me that I had not packed any of my boxers. The only boxers being the ones I had on at the time. A glimmer of hope resided in me that Jeremy, my leader, might take me back to get some. Upon asking my fearless leader, he simply replied, ¨man, that sucks.¨ And as I walked away, humbled in defeat, he called back to me adding to his first comment, ¨You know what the G.I Joe saying is...now you know, and knowing is half the battle.¨ He was quite amused at this, which in fact was amusing, but better if it was at the expense of another.
Needless to say, I experienced the jungle commando style (sorry if this offends anyone, not sure why, men used to run naked in the Olympics, maybe not a sound argument). If nothing else, I did learn that I didn´t need my boxers. I survived, and it was actually an experience that helped me realize something. That so many times we depend on so many things that are not necessary. They are comforts or even luxuries, but not having boxers was one less thing to wash and keep up with. It proved to be more efficient.
Knowing is Half the Battle, and we never know until we experience it. Whether that be hardship, suffering, even love. Books don´t suffice, even seeing someone else go through the fire is not enough for us to be able to know what it is like when we are tested. Experience is knowledged.
Some of the things I have eaten have been pig intestines, a pig´s foot that was used during a class on stitching (we don´t get much meat in the jungle, I believe I ate the cartiliage all on that foot), papaya, which is amazing by the way. Our main food usually consisted of rice and an egg or oatmeal for breakfast. We fried many a bananna which surprisingly tasted so close to French fries. I guess when you are hungry it doesn´t matter. I had a piece of Armadillo, and some of the other guys had killed a snake and fried it before I had arrived. I hate that I had missed out.
Walking to my ¨casa¨or house, which was made by my partners, I had to cross over two small creeks, one which was about fifteen feet wide, the other about ten. Our ¨bridges¨were trees cut down and placed over the chasm. Yes, it was a chasm. Shoes proved to be the clumsiest, as I fell many a time, and bruised up my legs pretty well. My pride was hurt worse but fortunately no one saw. It was best to walk barefoot, because that was when one had the most balance. But it also opened up the possibility of any number of things biting or who knows what. I had a ¨piki¨ or some little buglike creature that had made its home in my big toe. I didn´t think much of it, but did wonder why my right foot was missing the same bump. After it turned black I realized something probably should be done, and yeah, I cut it out with my knife. A lot of grossness came out that I won´t detail here, but I believe I got it all and all is well...I hope.
I am sure this is only a taste of what I will experience, the good with the bad, but we must praise Him for both. I have had a lot of fun, and I have enjoyed the fellowship with the guys here. I believe in what our mission is, and to hear from the reports from the other guys´ trips I am greatly encouraged. I hope you guys are encouraged too. I have felt the strength of your prayers and memories of all of you give me much joy and peace. God is faithful, He always is.

God Waits

It has been over year since I started the whole Journeyman process. So much has happened since I took that initial step into the unknown. From the first day of the process, through the three stages of the written application, finally going to the screening conference to find out what job I was going to do, and then going through two months of orientation there has been a lot of time to think this through. A lot of waiting.
In all reality much of life is waiting. Yet have we not lost the mentality that “good things come to those who wait?” In this corporate America of fast food, high speed internet, and instant messaging there is little room for any idea of waiting. The expectation is that if we can’t have it now it is not worth having. We use this same approach with God in how we spend time with Him. As we pray we expect immediate results, visible results. Or when difficult times arrive we fail to see the growth that comes through trials and tribulations. We suffer because we don’t know what longsuffering is.
The toughest time for me is when I am at a place that I don’t have a direct word from God. I am in a pickle between two different roads and I rush to go down one without really waiting on God to reveal to me what His will is. I have learned so much over the past year through this great waiting period. Going from one event to another, always in anxious expectation of the next season in life I miss what I am experiencing in the here and now, which is my fellowship with Christ. He is always present, always here with me, and what greater privilege is there than to enjoy Him?
Isaiah 30:18 says, “Blessed are all those who wait on Him.” I took this as my personal verse for the longest time, because of the whole blessing factor. But I truly missed what this was actually saying. If we wait on God it’s not that we get a blessing as a reward, but that the actual process of waiting is the blessing. When we wait on God, we show that we are truly trusting God, making Him our trust. Waiting is trusting. When this happens we depend so much on God that we don’t limit God in what He will do in our lives.
Looking back on this verse one thing that I looked over that is so essential in our relationship with God is the first part of the verse. “Therefore, the Lord waits to be gracious to you.” At first glance this seems that we should just expect blessings at any second because of God’s eagerness to bless. What I failed to realize is that God is waiting for me. For me it is sometimes hard to imagine God’s patience. His patience with my whole life in my sin, my walk, and my calling. I felt a strong call to missions when I was fourteen but I ran away from that calling. It wasn’t until a year ago that I took up the path that God had planned for me. God has had this beautiful plan for my life, blessings indescribable, but I ran to what I thought were greener pastures, safer pastures. God waited and waited to be Gracious to me, He waited for me to respond, for me to obey. He patiently allowed me to run from my calling, and even led me to a cave where wind, earthquakes, and fire passed, yet spoke to me in a still small voice, asking me what I was doing there and why I wasn’t where He wanted me to be.
God is so gracious, and is eager to bless us, but many times it is we who have to act in loving obedience. As I have said I have waited for this moment for about a year now, where I will be headed overseas to fulfill my calling. God has been waiting since the foundation of the world. What I have found that many a time when I thought I was waiting on God, it was God who was waiting on me.

Sweet Sorrow

Back in Florida, I sit down reminiscing over the past two months and I can only smile at the Grace given so bountifully. Who am I to receive such? Entering orientation I was full of anxiety and little to no expectations about what was going to happen. I desired to be faithful and obedient but knowing myself I was afraid to fall as so many times before. Immediately I felt a huge burden weighing my soul down that I was literally forced to be humbled to my knees. My sole desire became to know Christ, know Him personally, Him intimately, to be so close it hurt; I would worry about the details later. What happened was a wonderful two months filled with great difficulty but greater glory, always leading me to the throne of His Grace. Though I fell into many a “slough of despond” God always provided a companion on the other side to lift me out. Passing through this world as a pilgrim I cherish the company of the other pilgrims on the same path to the Celestial City. My travels couldn’t have been made without the Faithful and Hopeful that accompanied me. This is what makes our departure so bittersweet. Each assigned to their own battlefield, we must part. In our parting we are left with sweet memories mingled with the sorrow of being without the other. Though we take different roads for the King we will meet at the same destination on the other side of His Good Will. I pray that when my time is up I will be found faithful among the faithful.

A Blossoming Fig Tree

God gives so graciously to all His Beloved children. His blessings are almost too great for our depraved souls to comprehend. What I find so evident in this world and in my own life is that though God's blessings are so wonderful they always are in danger of becoming our greatest curses. The light from the sun, the fruit from the trees, the water from the streams, all things given by our Father are given from His pure Love. The purpose of His gifts is to always lead us to the throne of God, to have fellowship with our Maker, the Maker of all things; Gifts are to be a reflection of God as our Creator. The view now has reversed in that people view God as a means to be led to the throne of their desires and their pleasures, only to be mastered by them. The phrase is accurate, "the things you own soon own you." In John 6:26, Jesus says to the people from the five thousand He fed with fish and loaves, "you are seeking me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate your fill of loaves." How many times do we seek the gifts and not the Giver, the creation and not the Creator? I am not without guilt. As I see a blossoming fig tree and I am grateful for the fruit, but though it might satisfy the hunger of my flesh, it will never satisfy the hunger in my soul. This desire so foreign to any worldly pleasures can only be satisfied in our fellowship with God. Our creator has given us all things to enjoy them, but not to have our joy in them. C.S. Lewis says, “When a love becomes a god, it becomes a demon.” At any point we must be willing to walk away, to die to our pleasures so we can have the ultimate pleasure in Him. We praise God for the blossoming fig tree, but we should praise Him without it as well. With Habakkuk we should always be able to say, “Though the fig tree should not blossom…yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will take joy in the God of my salvation.” (Hakakkuk 3:17,18)

Savages

I figured since I am here at Rockville, VA, and there is not a whole lot of action going on now, that I will try to post every week about what I am learning or experiencing until I get on the field. I credit Parker Windle for the use of the word, Savage. One of the greatest joys of being here during orientation is having fellowship with my brothers in Christ. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by Savages who walk the Way of Christ, charging against the gates of hell to proclaim the light in the midst of darkness. As we strive forward in this continuing epic we grow stronger together. We have had many rituals proving our savagery, which include Savage Night (a.k.a date night by those less savage), Walking on Water, playing Bolivian Basketball, the Swing of Glory, and Running the Gauntlet over the River Of Death (R.O.D.) I cannot quite convey how much God has used these guys to further my walk, challenge me where I am weak, and if nothing else have a great time even while doing things not so smart. There is something to be said of an army, a tribe, a band of brothers marching to the same beat, for the same cause, in this case to further the Kingdom of God. They are the Savages refusing to conform to this world becoming outcasts who boldly proclaim the Gospel for the True King. I give a shout out to my brothers, my fellow sojourners, who walk worthy and allow me to share in their Savagery.

Awake the Dawn

I figured that I would explain the reason why I titled this blog the way that I did, besides the obvious reason that I think it sounds cool. Know that I am no theologian, but only a fellow layman, a child of my Father in Heaven and these blogs are only an expression of my relationship with my Beautiful Savior. Please lend grace to where my weaknesses truly show in my writing and even my thoughts.
Psalm 57 has been truly one of my favorite Psalms ever since I went to Venezuela on my first mission trip during the summer of 2003. I was interning under the Incredible Randy Presley and was placed on a team with my adopted family members, Steve and Trish Karn. From the trip I remember most vividly that I never wanted to do missions again and I definitely wouldn't go back to South America. It was a stressful week that only revealed my lack of spiritual maturity. I learned more than I thought, however, and one thing I did take from it was this Psalm that was read by one of the Venezuelan pastors. When he read it, it was like I had never seen it before even though I read through the Psalms a thousand times. Looking back and seeing how God has worked within me a passion for missions I realize how He planted the seed of verse 2 deep within my heart, "I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me."
I always loved the imagery of verse 8 especially. "Awake, my glory! Awake, O harp and lyre! I will Awake the Dawn!" This verse I believe is speaking to the necessity, the urgency of worshipping God. The verse before and the verses after speak of giving thanks, singing praises, the exaltation of God, His Glory being over all the earth. Is this not why we were created? Our purpose to exalt an Almighty God, the Creator, the Author of Life? I believe all creation speaks, sings, shouts His Glory, His Majesty. Why should we, who have been made in His image, do any less?
There was probably no one who was more passionate about praising God than David, a man after God's own heart. David here, first says, "Awake my glory!" He is basically saying, "Awake my whole being, my whole essence, everything that is in me, let it be alert, let it be totally aware of my God." How many times have I been divided in my thoughts, and have worshipped half-heartily, holding back what I wasn't willing to give to Him? O, that I would awake my glory, awaken it to the praise of my Living God, that all of who I am, all my strengths, all my weaknesses, all I fear and love, all my thoughts and desires, my whole body and soul are awoken to the sunrise of His Eternal Beauty.
He then says, "Awake, O harp and lyre!" David was such an amazing song writer that we still use his beautiful poetry today. What makes them so powerful yet relevant is that he sung and played from what was in the depths of his heart crying out. His music reflected his passion for God, and here he wanted to use his skill of harp and lyre to bless his Savior, to worship Him in song.
Finally, he says, "Awake the Dawn!" David is so eager to see the sunrise so that he can begin to praise the LORD. If he could he would have literally woken a personified dawn so that he could declare the mercies of the LORD. To have such passion, to look forward to the next day only to lift up our God in praise for who He is. I know there have been many a day that I have dreaded and I became bogged down with the trivialities of life. But what if my attitude was to eagerly await, wanting desperately to awake the dawn so that I may begin to declare how great is my God? In so many ways I am impatient to look for my own glory. I wake up in the morning, consumed with who I am that I truly miss why I am, why I have been created.
The verses after this speak soundly of our purpose, which is fulfilled only by God. That He is exalted above the Heavens! That His Glory be over all the earth! I pray that my life will be a pursuit of Him, and will not rest in anything but fellowship with Him. That my life will glorify God in such a way that He is truly magnified and I am nothing more than a reflection. The desire of my soul is to long for tomorrow, to give thanks to God for yet another day to Honor Him, to awake eagerly so I have the opportunity to praise my LORD. I will awake the dawn.

Beginnings

I hope this to be the first of many blogs chronicling my adventure through these next couple of years. God has laid on my heart a burning desire for the lost that have never been told the Good News. In the heart of South America there are many indigenous people groups that have never had the chance to hear of Salvation. They live in difficult areas to access, which few sojourners have ever travelled. How are they to call on His Name, to believe, to hear unless someone is sent? I pray with the strength of the LORD and His good purpose He will use this broken instrument for His Glory and the advance of His Kingdom. I know this will not be an easy journey nor do I intend for it to be, but what I seek is His Good pleasure in my obedience to His will. This road will lead me to great mountains taking me to the heights of His Majesty where I will be engulfed by His Holy presence, but it will also take me to the lowest depths of spiritual valleys where my only Hope through the darkness is to hold onto the Light that will lead me Home. My intention is to share the workings of God in my life and the lives of the Xtreme Team so that we can fellowship in His Glory all to the praise of His Name. Right now I am in Rockville, Virginia going through Orientation but I will be heading to Peru on April 18th. Please be in prayer for my preparation as I will soon embark on this journey with the LORD.