Out of the Grey Twilight

One of the things I like about South America is that they name streets and plazas after important days in their history. One can see almost anywhere a street named 9 de Agosto or 24 de Septiembre. Though they mean almost absolutely nothing to me (except September 24th is Carmen’s, my sister-in-law, birthday) they have grown into something to celebrate, something to remember, something to reflect on what they were before and what they became after.

I believe April 18th will always have this importance to me. Today, the 18th of April, is exactly a year since a stepped on Peruvian soil to embrace the work that the Lord had called me to do. More importantly, however, it is my mom’s birthday. If you will indulge me a little, I was hoping to dedicate this blog to my mom, Mary Ann Michael.

Where should I begin to describe my mother? She is probably the most wonderful person I know in this world. She is so beautiful, though in her humility she would never admit it. I was so fortunate to inherit her dark eyes and auburn hair. She is intelligent, and discerning, and has a depth of wisdom not seen in many people. She has always been so committed to the Lord and so insistent about doing the right thing. My mom used to tell me when I was faced with a decision that had any moral weight, “I trust you will do the right thing.” Of course this was enough for me to do the right thing. Her commitment to us as a family was second to none, and we never did without. But more importantly she was always there for us, always ready to listen, always there when we needed her.

She is probably the coolest mother in the world as well. On any given day, walking into the house I could always find my mom so content to be watching a baseball game (it could be just as well be basketball, hockey, or football) while doing a load of clothes (usually mine). At all my games from little league to high school she kept my all my stats, no matter what the sport. After the game she would usually give me advice on how I could have played better. She one time caught for me when I used to pitch to help me warm up. Though after receiving a wild pitch in the throat we decided it best not to do that anymore. Since I have been down in South America she always giving me updates on the major sports and it is great that we share the same passionate hatred for Duke, Atlanta Braves, Dallas Cowboys, and the Boston Redsox. She also loves action flicks and novels. And at the same time she has a love for cats, even though at one time she was allergic. I can also say that I have had some of my best talks on theology and life with her, and she always listens despite my nonsense.

I think her greatest legacy has been her battles with Cancer, and how she has overcome them one by one through the strength of our Gracious Father. She has been diagnosed with cancer four different times, and it has been through this that she has allowed herself to grow, to trust, and to come out of it stronger every time. She used to say if she could only see all her kids graduate that she would be so thankful. And that day came, and I started to realize how precious she saw each and everyday. Her continual faith has been the greatest example I have ever seen and I could not be more blessed.

And so today is her birthday and her son is a million miles away. It was on her birthday this time last year that I last saw her. She has been my biggest supporter since I have been here and it was she that instilled in me a belief that I could do anything, because she always believed in me. And so here I am.

She gave me this quote from Theodore Roosevelt that says,

¨The person who succeeds is not the one who holds back, fearing failure, nor the one who never fails…but rather the one who moves on in spite of failure. Far better to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumph, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with these poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory or defeat.¨

And so on the 18th of April I finally stepped out of the grey twilight that I had known for so long I became willing to be in the arena where I would face many defeats and many victories and lay my life in the hands of my Lord and trust that that alone is victory. What I have learned since I have been down here though I have always seen it in my mother is that great men are not great because of their accomplishments, for if anything those are given from the Lord, but it is how a man face circumstances no matter how beautiful, or how dire.

My mother taught me this if only by living it. And for her, for all that she is, I am thankful to the Father who lavishes us undeserving creatures with such a blessing. For her I celebrate the 18th of April, and if I was Peruvian I would name a street after this day.

Walking in the Wilderness

I am in Lima right now, just got out of the jungle near Pucallpa where I helped with the training that is going on now. I am still waiting on my partners to get their money so please keep praying for them. One of the trainees, Jeffrey Johnson, has since joined our team. He has to have surgery before he can start the work but we are excited about him coming to the team.

These past few months have been good and challenging but also hard in so many ways. The LORD has been working through me in many areas of my life and I wanted to share how. I will try to make this a little more brief as I have received complaints from my boss that they are too long. My bad.

I came here almost a year ago now, all with the intentions, the dreams, the expectations that the Father was going to use me and I would see Him move through a people group and they would come to know Him and His Glory. There have been many things that have delayed my actually working with my people group from arriving in the middle of a training having to wait three months to go through my own training, to not having partners and fulfilling obligations of the team. I have met a lot of frustration having the Quechua in my sights but not yet arriving. I have had in the back of my mind yet surfacing too often the idea that God will just not use me here, that I won’t see the work of His hand.

Reading in Deuteronomy the other day I came upon the passage in chapter eight that says, “And you shall remember the whole way that the LORD your God has led you these forty years in the wilderness, that he might humble you, testing you to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep is commandments or not. And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.”

The Israelites were given the promise over four hundred years before, and though they were able to leave Egypt having the Promise Land in sight, they still had to walk for forty years until they were ready to receive the promise. It was hard to think that I could come down here for the desire for people to know Him, to be used in this way and after all that was done was me being changed and nothing more. But as I have walked these “forty years in the wilderness” I realized how much I needed that change and I have come to know that if He is going to use me He will use me in His way. My heart is stubborn and foolish, and this process has been necessary and still is to rid me of the things that hinder my usefulness to the Kingdom.

My prayer is that I will start living on the Word, that when tested the Father will be pleased to know what is in my heart, and that not by my acts or righteousness but by the mercy and grace of the LORD I will see this promised land.

“For the LORD your God is bringing you into a good land…And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the LORD your God for the good land he has given you.”

Lead me to the Rock

Now in the City of Our Lady Peace (La Paz) and we are headed to Peru for our Annual Meeting for the Xtreme Team. I figured I would take this time to relate what happened in our last investigation trips. By the way, I have loaded many photos of our travels on Facebook, but have yet to do it on this blog site. Sorry about the delay it just takes a long time to download for that particular site.

After many delays we were able to finally head off to Colqa Pampa, one of the bigger communities about a seven to nine hour walk away over some pretty high mountains. My partners had taken a shady little bus the time before, but we all decided to do the walk this time, proving to be a lot shorter...and a lot harder.

The mountains we have to climb over stand mockingly to the east of our base camp in Pocoata. Upon first sight of them I was a little intimidated, then my feelings were confirmed with the ascent. Our base camp sits at over 11,000 feet, so with our climb we reached as high as 13,500 feet, just 500 feet below the tips of the rockies. At this altitude it is hard to breathe, and makes it that much harder trying to climb mountains.

Before we actually left, the caretaker of our house told us there was going to be a huge festival, and that all the people in all the communities would be drunk. With our limited time to do the investigation we thought we would give it a try anyway.

It seemed like nothing went right with this trip. The ¨Man of Peace¨ from Javier and Caleb´s last trip was not there, so we had no where to stay. People were getting drunk at ten in the morning, and so most of the people were incoherent. After my partner got in a awkward situation of where he had to drink some alcohol, we decided it best to leave and try to our chances with the other communities. It was all the same everywhere we went. It was such a sad situation and we decided to come back when this festival was over.

After a day of rest we decided to head back. The mountains this time looked smaller, more manageable and we reached all three communities in one day. Though having nowhere to stay in the first we tried the second, but they didn´t want us to stay, so we went to the third, called Qarchumi. At this time we had been walking for over nine hours and I was deserately praying for a place to stay the night. We had the option of the tent, but still had to walk a good ways to even set it up. We met with the Mayor of Qarchumi, a community of twenty families or so, and they fed us and we were able to stay with an elderly lady that night. God provided.

The next morning the Mayor told us that they had no work and nowhere for us to stay so we needed to go onto the next community. Feeling the rejection once again we left. As we were leaving another guy came up and gave us fruit and asked us where we were going. I told him we didn´t know but wanted to work for our food and a place to stay if only to learn from the culture. This man then gathered the leaders of the community including the mayor and after meeting for thirty minutes they questioned us about our reason for being there (some of them wanted money from the North American) but after explaining our desires, they all agreed to give us work, food, and a place to stay.

The first day we worked with the Mayor, basically clearing a field of rocks preparing it for planting. It was a good six hours of labor. The Mayor kept sticking leaves of cocaine in his mouth and chewing them, occasionally offering it to us, but we graciously declined. Caleb threw out his alcohol thinking it was left over water. This is what we call creating a barrier. His kids were with us throughout the day as well. They were kind of the highlight, laughing at everything I did.

We were really excited about this and one of the guys even mentioned that we could teach something every afternoon. Hoping to do this next morning we woke up with great expectations, only to be shattered by the news that none of the people had any work for us and couldn´t feed us. Once more the Mayor told us that we needed to leave.

Feeling somewhat unwelcomed we decided it was better to leave, but they promised they would allow us to stay another time. The elderly woman, who was wonderful, told us that when her husband returned we could work with him, and that she would cook us something very good. This was good news, on many accounts. We could return in the future and have someone that wanted us to stay and work provided, that and the promise of good food considering the time we were there, it was somewhat lacking.

The generosity of the people was such a blessing from God. The people kept bringing us potatoes and corn. It was overwhelming. Also because they would stand there in front of us waiting to get their bowl back, and after five bowls of potatoes we still had to put it down. God provided.

Not having sufficient time to investigate another area and a festival on the horizon we thought it best to return to Pocoata.

Thanks for all your prayers and please keep praying for Javier and Caleb. We still don´t know about their situation and are hoping to see the LORD work in way we know it is from Him.

Both small trips really pushed us to our limits at times. Between the physical aspect, trying to find our way, the drunkenness and rejection, and just trying to really inquire of God of what to do next, I felt so overwhelmed and drained at times. Though, in every situation, though at times ambiguous and uncomfortable, I could feel the LORD´s leading and the confirmation of His Will for my life. Looking at the foreboding mountains before me I could only think of all the times that God has called me to something terrifying, challenging, and ultimately higher than I. It is in this leading to the Rock that we are purged, tried, and ultimately changed into something more beautiful than we could ever imagine. It is in this leading that I rejoice. I hope to keep ascending.

¨from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.¨

- Psalm 61:2

Top of the Hill II

¨So Moses said to Joshua, `Choose for us men, and go out and fight with Amalek. Tomorrow I will stand on the top of the hill with the staff of God in my hand.`¨

We are finally headed to Pocoata, my base camp, and from there we are headed out to do various investigation trips. My partners still don´t have their promised money from their churches, but we are going to focus on the work until we have to return to Peru for our Xtreme Team reunion. We are leaving the money situation in the hands of God and while we are out we are hoping for some opportunities to present themselves.

This trip is very important for so many reasons. We have to investigate the area for how to travel in the future, know where the communities are, and study the culture in order to know how to present the Word in stories being sensative of the bridges and barriers.

Our first objective is to find a ¨Man of Peace,¨ someone that we can stay with and work for in order to earn our keep. We hope he will be the key to the community and we can make great contacts for future engagements.

In my partners´ last investigation the people were very suspicious of them and many were afraid because they are foreignors in this land. They did not know the meaning of the word, ¨missionary¨ so they assumed they were ¨Kelecheri,¨ which are people that steal blood from others in order to use it against them. They are a very suspicious people and we are just praying they will be open to a Gringo and two Peruvians, and we will be accepted.

We are also learning Quechua right now, Javier and I. This is of the upmost importance because most of these communities speak only Quechua. Caleb is Quechua, but being from Peru there is a lot of difference between the two dialects. We want to be able to communicate in nothing but Quechua and tell all the stories in Quechua so they have their own church, own Bible, and not just a religion of foreignors.

So, these are our prayer requests:

1. Find a man of peace.
2. Open doors to communities
3. Learning Quechua
4. Safe and Healthy travel
5. Support for Caleb and Javier

As Moses interceded on behalf of Joshua and the Israelites, I ask you now to do the same for us. In so many ways the fight is won by those on Top of the Hill and not those on the battlefield. We need the prayers of you faithful ones, and something we cherish with all our hearts. ¨

¨Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed.¨

The Refuse

Right now I am in a city called Oruro, which is about six hours outside of our base camp in Pocoata. I just wanted to update about what is going on with our team and ask for a lot of prayer. This is quite a long post, but it would be great if you could take the time to read it.

I have two partners on the team. Caleb is from Sicuani, which is just outside of Cusco and is Quechuan. Javier is from Samán, a small community on the river between Pucallpa and Iquitos. For them both to work on our team that have had to raise support from their local churches. They were promised a certain amount, just enough to be able to live and work in Bolivia. After they completed their first investigation, they were out of money and came back to Oruro, which is the closest city that has an ATM, to get money. They only had enough money to get to this city but not enough to get back. When they arrived there was no money in either of their accounts. That night they slept on the street and went without food as well.

The local church was able to help out a little, enough for them to have a room to stay in and some crackers to eat. They used some of the money to buy back the camera they had to pawn in order to get some food. Coming back from Chile, I finally arrived to give some support. We have talked with the churches and are trying to work all this out. At one point Javier called his church and they had told him they changed their mind about the money and didn´t believe that he needed it. Right now we are still waiting on the churches to send the promised money.

At first the guys were really down, if you can imagine. They felt abandoned in so many ways, and felt even guilty for having feelings of resentment. Last night we met as the church and just start praying and reading scripture. To be honest it was really the first time our team was together and had such an opportunity to do so. It was such a beautiful thing. We had a time of confession, sharing what we learned and what we are learning, and as more time went on we really felt the presence of the Lord and our confidence grew that He was in control of the situation and we were able to start resting in that.

We read the passage in 1 Corinthians where Paul talks about what it means to be a missionary, a servant of Christ:

¨For I think that God has exhibited us apostles as last of all, like men sentenced to death, because we have become a spectacle to the world, to angels, and to men. We are fools for Christ´s sake...we are weak...we are held in disrepute. To the present hour we hunger and thirst, we are poorly dressed and buffeted and homeless, and we labor, working with our own hands. When reviled, we bless; when persecuted, we endure;when slandered, we entreat. We have become, and are still, like the scum of the world, the refuse of all things.¨

After reading this passage you could see the change within my partners by the appearance of their faces. It was like a joy washed over any disappointment, any sense of abandonment. We talked about what a privilege it is to be the refuse. This is what we signed up for, and more so what we are called to be. For now we see all these things of hardship and difficulties as a sign that we are in the lowest ranks, the most desired of all.

This is not to say we have faced so much, but only as all this happened as to prepare us for whatever the LORD has for us. That when we face hunger, thirst, sleepless nights, and total rejection, that it is not something strange happening but it is our life as Christians.

Caleb, the Quechua, is very soft spoken and even at times it is difficult to hear what he is saying, unlike Javier who loves to talk and at quite a substantial volume. Caleb shared the story of the Caleb in the Bible, and how at the end of his life he asked Joshua for the territory promised to him. He says, ¨And now behold, I am this day eighty-five years old. I am still as strong today as I was in the day that Moses sent me; my strength now is as my strength was then, for war and for going and coming.¨ My partner Caleb then said, that when the LORD called him to be a missionary He gave him such strength and such a desire to do so, and after all that happened, after so many years of training and waiting, like his name sake in the Bible, his strength and desire hasn´t diminished a bit.

Both of my partners have such a desire to see the lost who have never heard come to Christ, and they absolutley have to trust God´s provision for them to be able to do so.

One day in Pocoata, Caleb and I were eating lunch. We thought Javier was still in Peru because he had not received his money yet from the church. Caleb looks to me and say, ¨I feel as if Javier hasn´t eaten today. I don´t know why but I feel someone is telling me this.¨ Later that night, Javier shows up unexpectedly and turns out that he had been traveling all day and hadn´t eaten anything.

I have been blessed with the best partners, who are just so broken for the lost and so humble before the LORD. Please pray for them, that they can receive the support they need, and just be able to praise the LORD for His sovereign provision.

·Caleb is on the right and Javier is on the left

The Road I´m On

Part of my job is to travel...travel a lot. After having a moment of weakness, complaining that I had seen no victory (O how foolish I was), that I was just barely surviving. I then started reading in my journal and saw all the many things the LORD had brought me through, all the ways He had kept me safe, and how He had brought me to every place I needed to be.

This is a list that I was able to extract from my journal and expense reports and in the end I was blown away at the Faithfulness of the LORD, and how He had been with me everywhere I went.

4/18/7 - Orlando to Atlanta to Lima, Peru (plane)
4/19/7 - Lima to Puerto Maldonado (plane)
5/23/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco
5/24/7 - Cusco to Lima
5/26/7 - Lima to Tarapoto
5/28/7 - Tarapato to Yurimaguas
5/30/7 - Yurimaguas to Nueva Vida
6/14/7 - Nueva Vida to Yurimaguas
6/16/7 - Yurimaguas to Tarapoto
6/17/7 - Tarapoto to Lima
6/19/7 - Lima to Pucallpa (plane)
6/20/7 - Pucallpa to Samán (boat)
7/8/7 - Samán to Pucallpa (boat)
7/13/7 - Pucallpa to Lima (plane)
7/17/7 - Lima to Cusco
7/18/7 - Cusco to Puerto Maldonado
7/20/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco (plane)
7/22/7 - Cusco to Tacna
7/23/7 - Tacna to Arica, Chile to Tacna
7/23/7 - Tacna to Lima (plane)
7/27/7 - Lima to Puerto Maldonado (plane)
8/31/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/2/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
9/10/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/12/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
9/17/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/19/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
9/24/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
9/29/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/4/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/6/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/12/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/14/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/19/7 -Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/20/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
10/21/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Lima (plane)
10/23/7 - Lima to Puerto Maldonado (plane)
10/27/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Laberinto
10/29/7 - Laberinto to Puerto Maldonado
11/9/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco
11/11/7 - Cusco to Sicuani
11/12/7 - Sicuani to Cusco
11/15/7 - Cusco to Puerto Maldonado
11/28/7 - Puerto Maldonado to Cusco
11/30/7 - Cusco to Lima
12/3/7 - Lima to Guayaquil, Ecuador
12/4/7 - Guayaquil to Quito
12/14/7 - Quito to Borbón
12/15/7 - Borbón to Loma Linda (boat)
12/16/7 - Loma Linda to Zapallo Grande (boat)
12/17/7 - Zapallo Grande to Borbón to Esmeraldes to Quito
12/23/7 - Quito to Guayaquil
1/2/8 - Guayaquil to Lima, Peru
1/4/8 - Lima to Cusco
1/6/8 - Cusco to Puno
1/7/8 - Puno to Copacabana, Bolivia
1/9/8 - Copacabana to La Paz
1/11/8 - La Paz to Oruro to Llallagua
1/12/8 - Llallagua to Pocoata
1/18/8 - Pocoata to Llallagua to Oruro to Cochabamba
1/21/8 - Cochabamba to Santa Cruz (plane)
1/22/8 - Santa Cruz to Santiago, Chile (plane)
1/29/8 - Santiago to Santa Cruz to Cochabamba (plane)
1/29/8 - Cochabamba to Oruro
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2/1/8 - Oruro to Llallagua
2/4/8 - Llallagua to Oruro
2/6/8 - Oruro to Llallagua to Pocoata
2/7/8 - Pocoata to Colqa Pampa (walking)
2/9/8 - Colqa Pampa to Pocoata (walking)
2/11/8 - Pocoata to Colqa Pampa to Taruqa to Qarchumi (walking)
2/13/8 - Qarchumi to Colqa Pampa to Pocoata (walking)
2/16/8 - Pocoata to Llallagua to Oruro
2/17/8 - Oruro to La Paz

2/20/8 - La Paz to Puno

2/21/8 - Puno to Arequipa

2/28/8 - Arequipa to Lima

3/2/8 - Lima to Pucallpa

3/12/8 - Pucallpa to Lima
3/30/8 - Lima to La Paz
3/31/8 - La Paz to Sucre
4/8/8 - Sucre to Cochabamba
4/10/8 - Cochabamba to Santa Cruz
4/15/8 - Santa Cruz to Lima, Peru (Plane)
4/28/8 - Lima to Cusco
5/2/8 - Cusco to Puno
5/3/8 - Puno to La Paz, Boliva
5/4/8 - La Paz to Cochabamba

· The travels that have no description after them means we traveled by bus or taxi.

I take a lot of buses. Many of these buses take anywhere from ten hours to over thirty hours. On a bus we don´t have much to do. They usually blare horrible regge music or show some movie from the eighties that I didn´t know Kevin Costner played in dubbed in horrible spanish. Many times it is a good opportunity to pray, to reflect, and just try to focus on what needs to be done in the future.

I started training on the 12th of August and it ended on the 20th of November. During this time my partner and I would take trips to this community called Laberinto about an hour away to practice stories and just being a missionary.

Boats would range anywhere from a peki peki, which is a boat carved out of a tree with a very undependable motor called a peki (hence the name) to a huge boat called a launcha, where the boat was full of hammocks stretching from one end to another. Going from Samán to Pucallpa was a three day ride.

I know it just appears to be places and dates and nothing more to many people, but to me I am able to see how we waited for a boat for a week because of a strike in a city, how my symptoms for Typhoid went away hours before a two day boat ride, and how no matter what the situation the LORD brought me safely home and always on His timing, which is always the right time.

So, this is the road I´m on and who knows for how long. At times I have no place to rest my head, but resting in Him and having Him walk this road with me I could not be in a better place.

Back to the Holy Hill

I have been wanting to share what the Lord has been doing in my life ever since training. It has been many a valley and mountain but a journey that eventually brought me to the sweet presence of the Savior.

After training a spent a month in Ecuador with a native of the land, Fausto, that went through training with me. We did an investigation trip up in the north of Ecuador of a people group we are looking to engage in the future with Xtreme Team. For some reason, many reasons, I just really struggled spiritually there. I had a few highlights, one of them being with my brother Mateo Baker and just be really encouraged by his walk and seeing how the Lord is working through him. It was, however, a time I just really struggled to maintain time with the Lord and stay focused. The actual people group I am working with seemed to be lifetimes a way and I started listening to the lies of the enemy that the Lord would just not use me, that He could not use me. On top of this it just seemed like I found myself around everyone else´s family around Christmas time and I just felt terribly lonely.

During Christmas time I got really sick, some kind of infection, and it just deepened my valley. This prolonged my meeting up with my partners and being able to head to Bolivia.

I was finally able to go and I took an almost two day bus ride from Guayaquil, Ecuador to Lima, Peru, that day took a day long bus ride to Cusco, from Cusco to Puno, and then from Puno another bus ride to Copacabana in Bolivia. We were headed to La Paz and eventually our base camp when there was Paro, or a blockade that Bolivia does every now and then, and all the roads were shut down. So, we were stuck. That day I got really sick again. This is when I felt totally defeated and attacked from every side.

I wish I could explain this situation, and I hope to do it justice because it was something so profound, terrible, and wonderful all at the same time. My struggle was that I was attacked with all these feelings of doubt, fear, and guilt. I felt so weak, so helpless, so worthless and I had been crying out to the Lord asking for some kind of relief. And to be honest, ashamed as well, I could not understand why I was struggling so much with all these feelings. I had been in the continent away from family and friends, spending so much time alone for many months, and I was proud that I had survived and was keeping on. It had now felt that the Lord had taken away His protective Hand and was now leaving me to myself, to my weaknesses, to my overall inability.

I began to search for sin in my life, disobedience, anything that was hindering my relationship with my Father. The one glimmer of hope that I did have was that it might have been from the enemy and the Lord had something truly, wonderfully special for me, that He was going to use me and it was something that the Enemy was trying to prevent.

In the end I was really, truly, desperately seeking the Lord, for answers, for understanding, for endurance, for fellowship, anything to save me from the mire that I found myself in, and absolutley helpless of getting out. And one thing that I have to confess is that over the previous months I had been not having much time with the Lord, not in the sense that I was seeking Him, and not satisfied until we had our fellowship. I knew at the time, even was confident, that it had been the Lord who had carried me this whole time, had been my strength, had pushed me along the road, and with out His Hand I was utterly, hopelessly, tragically lost.

The Lord had been walking with me so intimately despite my neglect, my lack of passion, and in order for me to realize what a grave, dangerous position I was in, He let me walk alone for a bit. How lonely I truly was. It wasn´t just that I had been away from friends, family, and any type of thing familiar, but the Lord, my King, my passion, my life had been removed from me and I could not feel Him.

But it is in the absence of something that one finally realizes what it meant to them.

So, to try to describe how it was, it felt as if God had been wanting me to come into His presence, to be in The Holy Hill, to be consumed by His righteousness and goodness...but I was settling for just getting by, walking alone. And by withdrawing His Hand, His presence it brought me to the point of desperately seeking Him. It is really only in this place of desperately needing Him that is an accurate description of our relation to Him. I must be in this state of desperation at all times of constantly seeking Him and not being satisfied until I am on top of that terrible, beautiful mountain, that Holy Hill.

¨O LORD, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your Holy Hill?¨

I also have to give a thanks to all those who prayed for me that knew I was struggling, and to those who prayed without knowing what spiritually was going on. Being without contact at times can bring me to a place that I am utterly alone and I feel that I am fighting this uphill battle with no support. But part of the lesson that I learned, that the Father wanted to show me, was that I have so many warriors praying for me, lifting their hands on the hill interceding for me, and that I am not alone. To all of you who pray so conistently, you are so important to me, so dear to my heart. God is using you in such a mighty way to carry me through all of this. From the bottom of my heart I give you thanks. I am eternally indebted to you.