Tree of Life

I was reading Genesis chapters one through three for my Old Testament class yesterday and I find myself more amazed that I can read something a thousand times and still find something new. The story of creation I had to learn in Spanish when I arrived in South America. I didn’t know any Spanish at the time and they were just sounds to me. Later as I learned Spanish the story eventually made sense to me. I learned it in Quechua as well, and in all of this translating, memorizing, growing up with it as a preacher's kid, I knew no other story better than this one. Yet, God still uses it to show me new things each time around.

The thing that stood out to me this time around was God put man in the garden and said he could eat of every tree except the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Everything else was fair game. I have no idea how long Adam and Eve enjoyed the divine bliss of perfection in the Garden of Eden before they messed up and ate of that tree but somehow they chose not to eat of the Tree of Life. Considering the only tree prohibited was the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil I believe it safe to say that they could have eaten of this Tree of Life, but they chose not to. We have evidence that they never ate of this tree because God is recorded saying after the fall, “Behold, the man has become like one of us in knowing good and evil. Now, lest he reach out his hand and take also of the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” It goes on to say that “God placed the Cherubim and a flaming sword that turned every way to guard the way to the tree of life.”

What made the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil so appealing over the Tree of Life? Well, we see how the Serpent deceived the woman. He promises to the woman, “You will be like God.” It was then that the fruit became appealing to the woman. She wanted to become God instead of wanting to have Life.

The choice is the same to us. We have both options before us: to be our own god or to choose Christ who is Life.

Chesterton in his wonderful book, Orthodoxy, says, “Every act of will is an act of self-limitation. To desire action is to desire limitation. In that sense every act is self-sacrifice. When you choose anything, you reject everything else.”

We cannot choose to worship God and ourselves. By choosing one to worship we reject the other. Our choice reflects our true desire: to become like god or to have life. God commanded Adam and Eve not to eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil because He had something better to offer them. It is the same with us. He wants us to choose Him, to choose Life for that is far better than any other choice.

When Adam and Eve sinned it made our position before God hostile. Christ died to kill that hostility so that we could have Life. We see the resolution of the redemption of man when Christ opens up again the Tree of Life. In one of the most beautiful scenes painted in the Bible, John writes,

“Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, bright as crystal flowing from the throne of God and of the Lmap brought the middle of the street of the city; also on either side of the river, the tree of life with its twelve kinds of fruit, yielding its fruit each month. The leaves of the tree were for the helaing of the nations. No longer will there be anything accursed, but the throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants will worship Him.”
- Revelation 22: 1-3

Good News

Many of you were with me from the beginning when I started working with the Quechua. Our first trip we went to a small village called Quchumi where we left because the whole town was drunk. We went back and were able to work a day with the mayor only to be asked to leave the next day because the people did not want us there. The second time in two days we were at the point of wiping the dust off our feet but before we left an elderly woman asked us to come back to work with her husband and she would cook us good food. This was enough hope to bring us back.

Many months later we returned with that promise though never to find that sweet elderly woman. We stayed in this small hut and worked with several different people in the community. Working like dogs those couple of weeks, we woke up every day not knowing if we were going to get food or work and even dreading the food and work we would receive. In the last week of that trip we met a man named, Celadonio, of whom we nicknamed “Don”. Ironically we had never met the owner of that small hut where we stayed and it turned out to be Don who became our “Man of Peace”.

The next trip my partner, Andrew, told the parable of the lost sheep to which Don said he felt like the lost sheep. It was clear to us that we had a place to start the work with a man who was interested in the stories. We came back months later to start the stories of the Bible and the two weeks we were there we face much spiritual warfare, losing Don’s confidence and almost losing our place to stay. We were at the point of wiping the dust off our feet but once again God gave us enough hope to continue on. We thought we had a different man to tell the stories of the Bible.

Returning for my last trip we thought we would do the stories with that different man of the community and just use Don for our place to stay and to work and to eat. That man never showed up much to our discouragement but Don asked if we could teach him the stories. It was all the Holy Spirit working in His heart. From that point on he had a burning desire to learn the stories of God’s redemption of man. We got to the story of Sodom and Gomorrah, which was the last story I told (leaving on a high note, eh?) Then I left to come back to the states.

The work was continued through the most incredible men of God. My Colombian partner, Efrain, and Javier from Peru and Roberto from Argentina, also Jonathan from the states kept telling the stories getting to the death and resurrection of Christ. They have worked so very hard this year to see these people hear the Good News of Christ. Facing many a trial and tribulation they have not given up and it has been my greatest joy to hear of their work and sacrifice. God has blessed them as well. On this last trip the last story told was Pentecost to which Don said he wanted to get baptized! All to the praise and glory of our King!

There have been so many obstacles along the way including but not limited to being asked to leave on more than one occasion, having no food, no work, working too much, being in danger by the political climate, lack of funding, lack of interest, sickness, warring within and without; it has been a long road. I am thankful for every step because it bears His mark that only He could have done any of it. I left greeting this promise from afar, the promise that God was not done with Quchumi yet.

The Quechua culture in Quchumi is much like the pagan cultures back during the time of the New Testament where the gods were angry and had to be appeased. The Good News was that Christ had killed the hostility between man and God, and that man could be loved by God who is love. In the postmodern culture it is almost like we have to give bad news (that of our sinfulness before a Holy God) before the Gospel (dying to our sin so we can live in Him) can be Good News.

I share this Good News with everyone because everyone that has read this blog and prayed, God used to bring this man to His throne of grace. Thank you for your prayers. He is our joy and our salvation and He is doing a work above and beyond anything we could ever imagine. Christ is our Good News. In Him we have life and our joy and there is nothing else that satisfies. I praise Him for the miracle He is doing in Quchumi and with Don.

Please continue to pray for the work done there and pray for Efrain, Javier, and Roberto. None of this work could have been possible without the exceptional work from our bosses, Trent and Kay, with their vision and commitment to the Gospel being spread. God willing there will be more to be baptized on this following trip, more added to the Kingdom, and more to tell the Good News of Christ, our hope, our life, and our joy.

Praise God from whom on blessings flow, praise Him creatures here below, praise Him above ye heavenly host, praise Father, Son, and Holy, Ghost. Amen.

The Beard of Aaron

My promise in the last post was that I would write something masculine like killing a bear with my bare hands or what not. I can only say that if it happens in this post it will be only for metaphorical purposes. I did, however, have to drown two pigs on the Fourth of July in Bolivia last summer, but that is a different story.

This post has been in my mind for some time and though I had briefly touched on it in the post, “Savages” I wanted to unpack this a bit more. Speaking for guys here (though I am sure the connection is the same with women as well and “sisterhood” can be applied every time the word “brotherhood” is used) there is this need for camaraderie, for brotherhood. This brotherhood has usually been forged most inexorably through the fires of battle and conflict. Men have this almost unexplainable bond of unity because of trials and tribulations.

And though this bond is clearly seen in war it is something even more profound within the Body of Christ. There is still that forging of souls through the baptism of fire and tribulation, but because of the unity in Christ the saints have an eternal bond formed in the heavens. This brotherhood is necessary to our survival on this side of Heaven. Even Solomon who lacked not one thing said, “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up!” The Christian life is not one to be lived alone. The men of Easy Company of the 101st Airborne during World War II found their greatest motivation to fight was to not let their fellow soldiers down. They fought to keep each other alive. How are we, who fight against the spiritual forces of evil, expected to survive without each other?

We must put into practice what the Teacher says: “And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him- a threefold cord is not quickly broken.”

Psalm 133 says, “Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! It is like precious oil on the head, running down on the beard, on the beard of Aaron, running down on the collar of his robes!” I thought this a funny text because of the imagery of Aaron, who must have had a significantly thick beard, drenched with copious amounts of oil. In the Old Testament, Moses had to pour oil on the priests, primarily Aaron, to sanctify and consecrate them for service. God has called us to sanctification, to become more like Him, and this says that dwelling in unity with our brothers helps sanctify us. We must grow which will only happen by being challenged and encouraged by those walking the same path to the same destination.

It is sad that it is such a rare thing to find. King Solomon found it a difficult thing as he says, “One man among a thousand I found.” Usually the greatest things are the rarest and need to be sought and fought for. I encourage those who bear the name of brother to seek that unity. I am most blessed with the greatest brothers and sisters in Christ who love me, and challenge me, and bring me all the closer to the throne of Christ. It is pleasant and good, like oil down the beard, down the beard of Aaron.

Falling Lines in Pleasant Places

People have asked me how I proposed to Susan and I thought I would follow up the last post with this one detailing that event. So here it is:

I had decided to ask this past Sunday because it was our 2 year 4 month anniversary/monthiversary and 2 year anniversary from the first time I told her I loved her. We were going to celebrate our anniversary so I figured I could make it on this day, make it special, and not be too obvious about my intentions (though she could see it coming a bit).

We went to Williamsburg, the beautiful historic colonial town, which is one of her favorite places. I had only been there once, so I didn't know the city very well and I was hoping to ask her in a special place. After we ate at a nice restaurant in Williamsburg we went walking and I started looking for a sign for the perfect location. Susan and I passed this nice garden of which she said, "This is my favorite garden of all time." Susan likes to use Hyperbole so I, like Gideon, was looking for at least one more sign for confirmation. Entering into the little white picketed fence area, Susan said, "I have thought about getting married here." Fiery writing on the wall couldn’t have been clearer. There was a tree that gave the garden its only shade, which was a blessed thing considering the heat was unbearable.

I had thought about everything, the nice note, Williamsburg, the nice meal, writing our story out on facebook, everything but the actual words I would say in that moment. I put my arms around her and started telling her how much I loved her and wanted to spend every day with her for the rest of my life and lingering I finally decided to get down on one knee and propose. I was so nervous I fiddled about with the ring and I think I had even attempted to put it on her right hand. She gave me a hug, while I was on one knee. There we were in this beautiful garden her down there with me in my proposed stance, the ring still in my hand, and it was better than I had imagined. Needing a confirmation, I asked, "so is that a yes?" to which she so fervently replied, "yes."

The garden was in a secluded area though I believe besides the angels in heaven we had one witness that was dressed up like a colonial man. He didn’t seem that excited.

We walked around a bit, though because of the heat punishing two British descendants with their cursed pale skin, we decided to leave and come back during the Fall to take pictures at a more congruous time. Later that night we celebrated with her family and it was a joyous feast and celebration.

Dates are still being considered but we are looking at sometime in the fall/winter. I realize this is vague but we only have a vague idea having to maneuver around work and school.

One of my favorite psalms is Psalm 16. Verse six says, “The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.” I am not even sure in what context the psalmist writes or if this is the right interpretation but I have always imagined times like this as the perfect description of lines falling in pleasant places. Surprised with so much joy I can see the lines falling all around me in the pleasant places that surround me (That rhyme is dedicated to Matt Baker). With each step in this path of uncertainty in many areas of life, it is beautiful to see how God has ordered things. Looking back I see how He had marked out the journey from the beginning and in this season things seem to be coming together in a supernatural way that only He could design.

The last two posts have a been a bit on the estrogen side so the next post will be about killing bears with bare hands and what not.

Her

I write this in the hopes of asking Susan Hall to be my wife. Everyone has a story and this is the greatest one I have ever been a part of. We have always referred to it as “our story” but for me I have seen it as “the story of her.”

In February 2007, I went to Richmond, VA for a training to prepare me to go overseas for two years. I had graduated from Auburn University and had completed a summer in Ukraine. There were many singles there doing the same program, male and female, and I went into the training with full intention to not look to the left or the right and stay single. In all reality, I had messed up so often in relationships and had been out of one for awhile at this point. This was a two year commitment and I had resigned myself to staying single. “Many are the plans of a man’s heart but the will of the LORD prevails.”

Of course one of the first days I ran into her and the first thing I noticed about her was her blue eyes. I was helpless in that moment and still have yet to recover. There was this immediate attraction that I had not felt in a long time and it was quite confusing. Here I was about to go overseas for two years, was happy to be committed to singleness for that time and this girl comes along and changed everything.

The training was for two months and of those two months I struggled daily for a couple of weeks on what to do. I prayed and read and fasted to find out if it was right to pursue it. The main problem of this season was that she was going to one place meaning she hung out with a certain group and I was going to another place which my group was totally different. I was in the uncool region, the South American region, and there were only four of us. Hardly enough for a sufficient clique. I could never get a chance to get to know her sufficiently to see if there was something there.

I kept trying to talk with her, get to know her, be around her but she was oblivious to all my subtle advances. Ironically enough it wasn’t subtle to any of her friends who then asked if I had a crush. It was 7th grade all over again. I denied it of course and then went through this excruciating phase where I tried to avoid her because I didn’t want a “distraction to my call.” I would feel good about it, even empowered, and she would come up and talk to me, or I would have some small look from her that would encourage me to go on putting me in a miserable plight. Susan, of course, was oblivious to all of this.

My poor friends had to hear all the tales of woe as we shot nerf basketball on a plastic hoop in my room. The very thing I feared had come true. She had become a distraction. I finally started to avoid her fervently and focus on my commitment. I am sure I was even rude and awkward in my avoidance. There was even a week or so that I had fully convinced myself that I didn’t care anymore.

Somehow it all came flooding back with about two weeks left to go. I was burdened with this feeling for a girl I knew very little about. Up to this point I was afraid of being rejected, but my biggest fear became going to South America and always wondering “what if?” With ten days left I decided to lay it on the line and go for it. I had nothing to lose at this point and at the very least I would know.

I asked her if we could talk after dinner. I can say, honestly, that I didn’t expect much to come of it but went into this last valiant charge with a readiness for being utterly shot down. My verse for the occasion was:
“The steps of a man are established by the LORD, when he delights in his way; though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong, for the LORD upholds his hand.”

We went for a walk to the swings, of which mine was too small for me as I sat there awkwardly and uncomfortable throughout the conversation. I basically apologize for avoiding her or being awkward. I said it was because I liked her a lot and did not know what to do with the feelings. I had even prayed that God would take the feelings away, but he didn’t. All I was left with was this wonderful burden and I had to see if there was something there. I told her that she was beautiful and wonderful and if she had nothing for me that was alright I just wanted her to know that. She said that was the sweetest thing anyone had ever told her and asked me, “now what?” The most I had ever hoped up to that point was to just get to know her. She was very honest with me that she didn’t share the same feelings but she would like to get to know me as well to see if it would lead somewhere.

For those next ten days we hung out intentionally and talked and told stories. It was wonderful. To begin with I thought we were very different or that she wouldn’t be attracted to a guy like me. I play sports (which I have learned music seems to be a more profitable means to attracting women) and the music I did listen to was of a harder nature than hers. Those are just external examples, but as time went it still seemed crazy as ever especially starting something before a two year overseas commitment. But the Lord leads us down paths that make no sense so that at the end of the day we can truly recognize His hand guiding and leading the whole way.

Her honesty was such a wonderful thing to begin with. We both were very honest. I told her how my feelings grew daily and she told me that she was just not there yet. At that point I was not even fazed because I was being considered at the very least. Honesty in the tough things made me sure of all the good things she told me, so I always appreciated that and appreciate it still. The night before we were to leave she told me she felt the same way for me and we held hands for the first time and I kissed her cheek. The next day I hugged her one last time and did not see her again for one year, ten months, and fifteen days.

During that time I was in the jungles and mountains of South America and Susan was in a very dangerous place in Africa. We communicated through Skype and email whenever we could. There were many times we didn’t get to speak at all. I had training for three and a half months of which we talked twice. She was so gracious with me and she humbled me by her patience and steadfastness. Writing this now I can only explain that it worked because of God’s grace. We recognize it at the time as crazy but we were also confident if this was from the Lord He would bring us to the other side.

The one great thing about long distance is that you have to get to know the person with little or no distraction. I had had this preconceived idea of this “perfect girl,” the unicorn, or mythical creature of some kind. “The One” even. And as I said before there seemed to be all these external differences that ended up being just preferences and in reality we had more in common than we thought. The most beautiful thing though was the more I got to know Susan the more I realized she was everything I was looking for from the beginning. The one who would complement me and I her. I didn’t even know it but the LORD did and He directed my heart to her.

Susan was the first to put the "relationship status" on facebook. We told each other “I love you” for the first time on July 26. We have celebrated the 26th of every month as our anniversary. I cannot think of how many letters Susan wrote me. That was the most precious thing for me. When I was out on a trip the most exciting moments were waiting on Gmail to upload my messages and I would see all the ones from her with the golden star next to them. They were eloquent, thoughtful, descriptive, and lovely. They embodied her in every way and I got to know her in such a way I thought not possible. Though I wouldn’t trade anything for our dating season now, seeing her face, taking her to restaurants, going on walks, I would not trade anything for that season of writing letters.

We had many a tough season as well and it was good to see how we looked in that. We got through them and that made me all the more confident for the days to come. More than anything, however, she gave me so much joy. Always light in the midst of darkness, hope in the midst of despair. The LORD blessed me beyond anything I could ever have imagined. I could not truly define grace before Susan. I regret not one day from the day I met her and I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

On Febrary 20, 2009, we saw each for the first time since April 4, 2007. We had tried to anticipate how awkward our first encounter would be or even the first couple of weeks of seeing each other in the new dynamic of actually "dating." She had become my best friend through our conversations on the phone and through letters but it was going to be interesting how that would translate to face-to-face interaction. When I first stepped out of my car that cold night in Yorktown, we hugged for an eternity, an embrace I had only dreamed about in South America, and the path had led me up to this moment had been confirmed. The weirdest thing was that it wasn't weird at all. We were so comfortable with each as if we had been doing that all along. The LORD had brought us together in every way possible.

We are now in Wake Forest, NC. I am going to seminary and we hope to pursue the ministry in some shape, form, or fashion wherever the LORD leads. If this is posted then it must mean that she said yes. Another testimony to grace. She is far above me in every way; the most beautiful, most gentle, sweetest, loveliest person I know. She is my best friend who knows me better than anyone else and I’d have it no other way. I love her. I love her more than I thought possible on this side of heaven and there is no one else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with. I praise God for her.

There is much more to this story and this is basically the cliff notes version. For the sake of brevity and Trent Jones I have tried my best to be concise and not long-winded. I have always tried to write about the Greatness of God, His mercy, His Grace, His miracles and workings in my life, and I can think of no other story that clearly depicts all of that than this one. The story of her.

Our Strong Tower

When I was in South America I had to memorize stories in Spanish as part of our method to reaching the indigenous. The very first story I learned, ironically enough, was the Tower of Babel. I remember being quite angry at those fools for thinking they could reach heaven by making a tower. God had to literally come down to see this ridiculous attempt at greatness. As punishment for their disobedience he confused the language making many. And thus punishing me. I thought, “it is because of them I am having to suffer through learning this story in another language.”

I did, however, grow to love this story. Of course it is sad if the story ends there but to see the story of God’s redemption of man it is many stories that make up a beautiful tapestry of love and grace. It is amazing how in this story we can see God making all things beautiful.

Later, in my training for Xtreme Team, I was in the jungle learning how to be a missionary with twelve Latinos and among them there were many different indigenous groups with their own indigenous language. One of the most sublime experiences happened during the nights when we would sing and dance in a circle, rejoicing in unison as the Body of Christ. If anyone knows me at all they know I don’t sing or dance so well and will do my best to avoid any and all opportunities. But even this was too much for my prudery. It was celestial or heavenly. There was just something of awe and wonder about God being praised in many different languages. Though I didn’t understand most of their hymns God did and I am confident it made Him smile.

He took the one language which was wrongly used and He turned all the languages into beautiful symphony of praises of His everlasting kindness. He destroyed an inadequate tower built to unite the people and He became the sole, inexorable, unifier through Christ. He showed that only His Name is worthy to be praised by having to descend from heaven just to view feeble attempts at greatness. He takes all of our efforts as ugly as they are and turns them into works of art. He is our Strong Tower who works in us and through us for His Name.

I will never forget lying in my hammock as my Latino partners strummed the worst out-of-tune guitar in the whole world singing in a dialect I would never understand in a pitch that probably should never be sung and I thought it was one of the most beautiful things I had ever heard.

*The story of the Tower of Babel comes from Genesis 11:1-9.

A Story to Tell

Gracious, it has been a long time since I have written here. I have wondered if there was a faithful remnant that had occasionally checked this page and I had imagined that with each passing visit they were met with such consistent disappointment. I wish I could give a good reason for the delay. There are reasons, though none of which I am confident are good.

I am no longer a missionary in the jungles and mountains of South America, and though that is infinitely more romantic than working at a Book Publisher in Wake Forest, North Carolina, I hope that I will always have something to write about. I am now in Wake Forest, North Carolina, where I am pursuing the next season of my life. In the fall I will start school at Southeastern Seminary. Susan is here with me and we are both trying to see the Lord’s will manifested here and now.

The here and now is all we truly have as my good friend, Jack, says, “The present is the only time in which any duty can be done or grace received.” Here and now I am, and here and now I will write. I hope that in whatever context I find myself in I always see life through the context of the Glory of God. He is the Author of Life and He is writing my story. Everyone has a story and every story is worth telling.

This blog has become a way to tell my story and I have appreciated all those who have taken interest. In this chapter of my life I find myself in a season of preparation. I am truly excited about all the possibilities that lie before me but I hope I set my feet on the path to get to there. We are not, however, promised tomorrow so our daily bread must be asked for and eaten so we can work heartily as to God and not to men.

I don’t want to miss this season by staring into the next. “Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation.” I want to grow and learn and I realize that growing comes with pain. Every good story has conflict and it is necessary to get to the resolution. I hope to find strength in my conflicts and grace to trust His hand, to be resolved throughout. Sharing my story is a way of keeping me accountable; to always see how God is moving, and how I am moving in Him.

I hope there might be a reader or two out there still interested. If not, that is okay, because I will keep writing. Uncle Hoppy, a British minister during the time of Brother Andrew, used to preach faithfully every Sunday whether there were people or not, to empty chairs. He preached because of the desire borne in Him from God. Christ was His treasure and He shared regardless of the audience. I hope to be as faithful.

Shades of Grey

My brother was in a rock band once, which I think is really cool. I am not gifted musically at all. I used to watch my brother, who is a drummer, and I could not fathom what he created. It’s that way with my brother in law, Jason, as well who can play so many different instruments so very well. In a way I am almost thankful I don’t understand the intricate details of it all. A beautiful mystery in a way and always leaves me in a relative state of awe and wonder when I see someone perform.

One thing about my brother’s rock band is that they had different names throughout different seasons of their time rocking. I believe the first name was “Someone’s Brother,” which in many ways reflected a softer element of their music. “Chasing Shadows” was somewhere in the mix, but not sure where chronologically. Their sound, however, grew harder and they changed their name to “Shades of Grey” which was my favorite. They decided to move on because it was too close to the Staind album, “14 Shades of Grey,” which had just been released and they ended up with “Beneath.”

I realize that that was some introduction to get to my topic which has very little or nothing at all to do with music. I just admire what my brother and brother-in- law can do with music. It has been good to be back with my family and share life with them with all of our strengths, weaknesses, talents, and interests.

What I found when I came back was a great transition that was a bit difficult for me to adjust. People have said and keep saying that I will experience culture shock but I am not sure if I have, or am, or will be. Not sure how it will manifest itself or even how that would look. I do know that I have struggled but nothing drastically different than anything I have faced before. What I did notice was how I responded to this struggle, which was all too familiar how I had handled these sort of things in the past. I distracted myself.

As I was enveloped with some change and transition I started doing things so I didn’t have to face the reality. I played video games taking the Buffalo Bulls in NCAA Football all the way to their first bowl game and ended the season in the top 25. I started many different TV series and have tried to catch up to what I have missed. I Facebooked...a lot. The thing is endless. You can even play paper, rock, scissors. Don’t get me wrong, these things are not bad in and of themselves at all. I, in fact, love video games, movies, and a portion of Facebook. What I am saying is that there is a grave danger that we can entertain ourselves to death, never really dealing with the reality of life.

Coming back I fell into a routine of putting aside quality time with God. I didn’t want to deal with my hurt or my brokenness. When I am truly reflective on my life, my walk with Christ, my relationships with others I can see clearly the road before me. I can at the very least have a good perspective of where the world ends and I begin. However, when I shoot for entertainment or distractions or escapes I find my vision is severely blurred. There is no clarity as I get lost in the ambiguity of the life I’ve created.

I must deal with my reality and all of its ugliness, difficulties, and hardships. By defining what is ugly in my life I can also see what is truly beautiful. I must see all things, all circumstance, all people, all colors, forms, and shapes in the context of Christ because if I don’t I will just transform into different shades of grey without life, depth, or substance.

I am not totally there and I am not sure if I will get there. Entertainment is not bad, but it should never substitute for dealing with who we are. I just pray that I will be intentional about my walk with the Lord and not ignore my struggles by distracting myself with shadows. I can only be real if I chose to deal with reality.

Reflections

I am in Santa Cruz right now. It is February 4th, two years to the date from when I started this incredible journey. My flight leaves tomorrow to go to the states and all I can feel is an overwhelming numbness. Crazy considering I have imagined this time from when I began. Even imagining how I would feel. I guess part of it is that I am leaving brothers and sisters of incredible faith with whom I went through the fire and at the same time I am headed back to my family and my wonderful girlfriend, Susan, of whom I have not seen in two years. Maybe with such contradicting strong emotions I am left to feel numb. It´s not that I am not struggling leaving my family here or finally seeing my family in the states. I guess I am just still processing such a transition.

Being at the end of my term I have been thinking much about these past two years, processing what just happened. To be honest in many ways I am not so sure. I confess I came with this idea that I was going to put a dent into the lostness of the world. Even a small sense of ¨saving the world.¨ How foolish I was. I found that I did not put a dent into the lostness and in all reality I could not and will not. In trying so very hard to save people I found that the obvious truth that I cannot even save myself let alone another. This is a feat for God alone.

A part of this wanting to put this dent in lostness was a hidden evil of pride. If I planted a church I would be able to say, ¨I did my part for the Kingdom.¨ It is amazing how an evil so subtle can exist below what appears to be good intentions.

Looking back I remember how much I struggled with the down times when I was doing no work, I had no partner, I had no people group to engage. It tore me up for many reasons and in previous blogs you can see the progress of this struggle. Many times I was in tears crying out to God thinking all these people were dying and going to hell and there I was unable to do anything about it.

People tried to comfort me and tell me if God only changes me then it is all worth it. I arrogantly thought and even voiced, ¨I know God and so many don´t. So why would He send me here to only change me?¨ Later in the year I came to this same struggle and I voiced this to Efrain, my partner. I will never forget what he told me. He said, ¨Graham, what do you mean by you know God? Sometimes I feel like I still don´t know Him.¨ Gracious, I felt like a prophet of God had called me out and I just then realized how foolish my line of thought had been this whole time.

I repented from this and found my way back to truly searching God. Seeking Him. Wanting Him and wanting to know Him better. Here I was thinking I truly knew God when God is this Endless Ocean, unfathomable to man, and I was basing all my knowledge from my view point on the beach. I am amazed the things I learned from that and through that. I am still trying to know Him more and more.

Where does this leave me? Broken? More humble? I pray and hope so, but I am not so sure. I want to think what I did was something special when in all reality anyone obedient to His call could have done this. Anyone. At the beginning of all of this I just wanted God to be pleased. This got lost in my vain attempts to earn that through the work. The most beautiful thing I have found is when He shattered all of that idea and just absolutely broke me. What He revealed to me so clearly in those mountains is that God is pleased in me not because of me but because of the Cross. I feel His smile because of the Cross. It is the Cross that empowers me.

I know this is a long post and if you have made it this far I am thankful. This season of reflection has created more ramblings. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me, though I hope to keep journeying. I had put in my blog ¨Sweet Sorrow¨ that I had hoped ¨that when my time is up I will be found faithful among the faithful.¨ I pray and hope I have been faithful. I believe so though I know I had many valleys along the way. I can claim with more certainty the faithfulness of God.

I leave tomorrow to go back to the States. I may not have saved the world nor even dented the lostness, but I can claim the Cross of Christ which is worth more than anything else, more than anything I could ever do. I rejoice in saying I can feel His smile.

The Excellent Ones

My partner Efrain and his partner at present, Javier, came back from their two week trip to Quchumi. They picked up the work where Efrain had I left off in December. Today we met and talked about all that happened in the community that past time.

Our man of peace, Don,remembered all that Efrain and I told the time before and still had an incredible desire to learn the stories. One night he even went to the little house where they stay and wanted to hear a story. They were blessed to tell stories up to the point of the Passover. To hear some of the comments of Don, our man of peace, was the greatest blessing. In asking him if man was good or bad, Don thought hard and long. Finally, he just said, ¨somos pecadores, pues¨ or ¨we are sinners.¨ Don coming to this conclusion is a magnificent work of the Holy Spirit. In a follow up question (this was the story of Sodomo and Gomorrah) they asked how he could be Lot who was saved by God by the destruction. He once again thought long and hard as he does then finally said, ¨no sé, enseñame, pues¨ or ¨I don´t know, so teach me.¨

They were not without their difficulties. During this time the people of Quchumi decided to make a sacrifice to appease the gods from sending hail, which destroys crops. While these few days of activity took place Don and the rest of the people were very cold and Efrain and Javier didn´t have a chance to tell stories for the people lacked interest. They stuck it out and kept on. After the event of the sacrifice passed Don´s interest was renewed and they made it all the way to Moses.

Efrain and Javier witnessed this event and though it was very pagan in the practice and they could feel the oppression of evil all they could think of was Jesus Christ. The people sacrificed a lamb, which by their description, did not make a sound to the point of death. These people make sacrifices to appease a god that doesn´t exist all for the hope of a good crop on which their physical life depends. Our hope is that when Don hears how Christ, the Lamb of God, sacrificed His life to propitiate the sins of man, his eyes will be opened to the marvelous light of the Glory of God. The concept of sacrifice is there, but it only serves as a shadow to the beautiful truth of Christ.

I have already been on my last trip to Quchumi and it is now the work of Efrain and Javier. I am actually leaving in a week to go back to the states. My greatest hope is that those who have read this blog and read about the Quechua in Quchumi will not forget about the work that is still going. They are still on the front lines and there is a lot left to fight.

I love Psalm 16. One of my favorites. In verse three it says, ¨As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones in whom is my delight.¨ I think of the missionaries that are working in the land, who are on the front lines, my brothers and sisters of the faith and I immediately think of this verse. They are the excellent ones. My delight is in Efrain and Javier, the excellent ones, for they are in the land continuing the work. I delight to hear how God is still doing miracles there.

Words cannot adequately describe the oppressive feeling when it appears that the community does not want you there. It is horrible, especially being in such a difficult situation in a difficult area that the dark powers have had reign since the fall. It feels like there is a blanket of evil covering the whole place. Efrain and Javier experienced this during the time of the sacrifice, but Efrain told me that He could feel your prayers and my prayers. Please pray for them for God listens. I am sure that the evil who has reigned there for so long will not go down quietly without a fight. They need your prayers so please remember them and delight in these excellent ones who are in the land.

Remember Egypt

I just got back from Ecuador and I am here in Cochabamba, Bolivia with my team. It was such a blessing to be with the best of friends, and the best of brothers, Matt Baker. I took my vacation for about three weeks which was wonderful. The best part was the fellowship. Not just the endless hours of Bolivian Basketball (plastic hoop inside the house) but also getting deep in the Word, talking, reflecting, and meditating on the Glory of God. During one such conversation the idea for this blog came up.

Whenever I read the Old Testament it always strikes me how absurd the Israelites are forgetting the great deeds of God. There they were in Egypt and saw miracle after miracle. God separated the Red Sea, drowned the Egyptians, rained bread down from heaven, made water flow from a rock. But with each time the Israelites grumbled and doubted. There was even a time that Aaron set up a golden calf and declared that this was the very god that brought the Israelites out of Egypt.

I thought many a time that these people were so foolish for not remembering the God of their Fathers who saved them from slavery. After closer inspection of my life I found I have been just as guilty. I come upon a trial and I start to worry thinking I am sure to die.

In the present, when difficulties arise, it is easy to be caged in by our immediate circumstances. As human beings we are emotional creatures and in our weakness we give in to our fears and doubts. It is amazing when I look back at God´s victories in my life and reflect upon His Power and Majesty. Is the work of God any less incredible today than what He did with Moses and the Israelites? Certainly not! Let us remember that God became man, lived a perfect life, and at the culmination of that life died taking on all the sins of the world. Our sins. We have inherited this promise of eternal life. We, depraved, vile creatures, can approach the throne of God with confidence. Not only that but God has been my refuge through many a storm. He has given me strength in weakness. He brought me safely through the jungles and the mountains; through sickness and danger; through fears and doubts. I am still standing today because He has fought battle after battle bringing me closer and closer to His throne. Will the next battle be any different?

The story in the Bible I most vividly remember concerning this is Asa the King of Judah. At the beginning of his reign he sought the LORD with all his heart. Soon after he took the throne an army of one million from Ethiopia came to destroy Israel but Asa humbled himself and prayed for God to save the day. ¨So, the LORD defeated the Ehtiopians before Asa and before Judah.¨

Asa was king for forty-two years. A long time. In the thirty-sixth year of his reign, Baasha, king of Israel came against him. A much less formidable force than the army of a million from Ethiopia. Instead of humbling himself before the Lord and pleading for His salvation, Asa goes to the king of Syria and basically bought his help with the gold and silver from the treasures of the house of the LORD. Israel ends up being saved but by a foreign ruler.

What happened? Here was a man who saw the LORD route an army of a million. He forgot the power of the LORD and He forgot His need of the LORD. Hannani came to Asa after the battle and said, ¨Because you relied on the king of Syria, and did not rely on the LORD your God, the army of the king of Syria has escaped you. Were not the Ethiopians and the Libyans a huge army with very many chariots and horsemen? Yet because you relied on the LORD, he gave them into your hand.¨

The more we forget our need of God Almighty and how many times He has saved us time and again we grow more and more independent of God thinking that we can do this. Asa did not learn in a sad ending to a story that began so well. ¨In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was diseased in his feet, and his disease became severe. Yet even in his disease he did not seek the LORD, but sought help from physicians.¨

It will do us well to remember.

Many times God has declared, ¨I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt.¨ Basically He is saying, ¨Remember me, I am He who saved you!¨ Yet like Asa we look to other means to bring us out of our troubles.

We need to remember who God is, and what He has done. It helps us face the day knowing God has brought us thus far already. I know when I reflect on the works of God I remember He has never forsaken me. When trials and troubles, hardships and difficulties arrive I can trust the LORD my God, who has been faithful every time before. I just have to remember Egypt.

2 Chronicles 14:12
2 Chronicles 16:7,8
Exodus 20:2

A Sense of Desperation

One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that it is absolutely necessary to be desperate for God. I could not learn this lesson so well in a state of comfort. I could not reach full desperation because I had escapes that manifested in a security in parents, sense of accomplishments in my peers, feelings of belonging in my friends. It was not until all of that was taken away placing my back against the wall with no escape that I began to feel desperate. It is incredible the feats that we can accomplish in desperation. We are left with no other options, no escapes. It is fight or die. So we fight as mad men desperate to reach what seems hopeless. Desperation empowers us.

In the communities fighting fear, my insecurities, constant failure, and facing the unknown I knew my only survival was in God, my Everlasting Savior. I sought Him as my life depended on it. Ironically we never feel this desperation until God takes away all that we are leaning on so that we finally fall into His Grace. Sadly I do not always acknowledge that my life and every breath depend on Him. How much to do I truly seek God in comfort? Not much, I imagine. I am not desperate. Circumstances should not dictate my desperation for His continual presence, but love. I want to be desperate for God out of my love for Him because without Him I am empty, void of life. I live and breathe because of Him. Whether we can feel it or not, we are totally dependent on His Grace in all things.

How many times have I taken the path of least resistance, taking the long way about so I wouldn’t have to face battle, when I should have chosen the hill on which I would die with my back to the sea, with no retreat, no surrender, desperately seeking He who is my Joy, my Savior? In comfort this gets lost in the fog of our own sense of security that is as sure as the wind. Many generals in the wars of men have deliberately put their men in positions of no retreat because they knew in desperation they would fight with such ferocity to live. There was no other option.

I want God as my only option and leave myself with no escape. In all circumstances I want to be desperate for Him. I want to be in the constant state of mind that says, “if I don’t seek Him, I will die.” I will not be satisfied. I will live in desperation for Him. Not only when I am left with nothing, but even when all is available, I desire to choose Him for I know that in the end He is the only real option.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
- John 15:4,5

Strength in Weakness

I am vacationing in Ecuador with my good friend, Matt Baker, who I met at our orientation. It has been such a blessing to enjoy such great fellowship. While I am here I wanted to write more blogs, which have been delayed by eating and watching movies. I had this blog in mind during my time in the community this last trip.

I struggle. I am not good at being a Christian. I fight fear, guilt, and pride not to mention many other struggles with the flesh. In the communities with no place to hide this comes out clearly. I would have never admitted it but I had this attitude that by being a missionary I would be better and stronger able to stand firm against anything. All that really happened was that I realized I really never had any strength to begin with and my weaknesses were what ruled the day. There was no hiding from this. During this last trip in the first few days I found myself literally crying out to God in my despair as the circumstances seemed to have a choke hold leaving me with no confidence, desperate, drowning in the slough of despond. I was left weak with the knowledge that I could not do it and I was hoping to just survive the day.

“But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God;”

As emotions overwhelmed I was left with only the Word as a voice of reason. His Word became my refuge. Paul says in the twelfth chapter of the second letter to the Corinthians “but he said to me, ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Here lied my answer, the light revealing my hope in the darkness. Instead of denying my weaknesses and instead of running away from my inabilities I began to embrace them. I am human. I am depraved and selfish. I struggle with pride. At the end of the day left to myself I cannot, absolutely cannot do this. In this revelation I was without an option to shed my pride and beg for God to take over. I was at the end of my rope and for us proud creatures it is many times the best place to be. We can only turn to the Savior above.

When I finally admitted my weaknesses the strength of God was manifested and I slowly picked myself up and fought with courage in His strength knowing the whole time it was He who moved in me.

As light shines, it stands out the most in darkness. Christ says to Paul, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” The glory of God reveals itself most powerfully and most beautifully in our weaknesses for man can see it was the hand of God the whole time. God’s power is made perfect in weakness because the truth of His Glory is revealed as our glory fades into the shadows.

How many times did God save Israel against an enemy that had more soldiers, more horses, more chariots? Israel was greatest when she was weak because God took joy in making His power perfect showing that He was the LORD and there was no other by His saving grace.

Paul learned the strength of weakness as he says, “For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak I am strong.” This is not a call to be lazy or to accept mediocrity, but the admission that besides the Holy Spirit we cannot by any means be good or do the LORD’s work by our strength. I have to throw my hands up and allow Christ to show His great power because at the end of the day I want to smile as I look back knowing for certain that it was His Hand all along.

I take the pleasure today seeing how God did the work with the Quechua. He stirred the heart of our man of peace all by Himself. I endured the work, the food, the uncomfortable conditions because I knew I could not do it on my own and I relied on His grace to carry me to the end. We hate being vulnerable. But it is in our vulnerability, our weaknesses, our inabilities that God can vividly show His Perfected Power. When I see His power perfected I have no claim on the glory that is rightfully His. In weakness I seek His strength making me stronger than anything I can do on my own. When I am weak, I am strong.