Shades of Grey

My brother was in a rock band once, which I think is really cool. I am not gifted musically at all. I used to watch my brother, who is a drummer, and I could not fathom what he created. It’s that way with my brother in law, Jason, as well who can play so many different instruments so very well. In a way I am almost thankful I don’t understand the intricate details of it all. A beautiful mystery in a way and always leaves me in a relative state of awe and wonder when I see someone perform.

One thing about my brother’s rock band is that they had different names throughout different seasons of their time rocking. I believe the first name was “Someone’s Brother,” which in many ways reflected a softer element of their music. “Chasing Shadows” was somewhere in the mix, but not sure where chronologically. Their sound, however, grew harder and they changed their name to “Shades of Grey” which was my favorite. They decided to move on because it was too close to the Staind album, “14 Shades of Grey,” which had just been released and they ended up with “Beneath.”

I realize that that was some introduction to get to my topic which has very little or nothing at all to do with music. I just admire what my brother and brother-in- law can do with music. It has been good to be back with my family and share life with them with all of our strengths, weaknesses, talents, and interests.

What I found when I came back was a great transition that was a bit difficult for me to adjust. People have said and keep saying that I will experience culture shock but I am not sure if I have, or am, or will be. Not sure how it will manifest itself or even how that would look. I do know that I have struggled but nothing drastically different than anything I have faced before. What I did notice was how I responded to this struggle, which was all too familiar how I had handled these sort of things in the past. I distracted myself.

As I was enveloped with some change and transition I started doing things so I didn’t have to face the reality. I played video games taking the Buffalo Bulls in NCAA Football all the way to their first bowl game and ended the season in the top 25. I started many different TV series and have tried to catch up to what I have missed. I Facebooked...a lot. The thing is endless. You can even play paper, rock, scissors. Don’t get me wrong, these things are not bad in and of themselves at all. I, in fact, love video games, movies, and a portion of Facebook. What I am saying is that there is a grave danger that we can entertain ourselves to death, never really dealing with the reality of life.

Coming back I fell into a routine of putting aside quality time with God. I didn’t want to deal with my hurt or my brokenness. When I am truly reflective on my life, my walk with Christ, my relationships with others I can see clearly the road before me. I can at the very least have a good perspective of where the world ends and I begin. However, when I shoot for entertainment or distractions or escapes I find my vision is severely blurred. There is no clarity as I get lost in the ambiguity of the life I’ve created.

I must deal with my reality and all of its ugliness, difficulties, and hardships. By defining what is ugly in my life I can also see what is truly beautiful. I must see all things, all circumstance, all people, all colors, forms, and shapes in the context of Christ because if I don’t I will just transform into different shades of grey without life, depth, or substance.

I am not totally there and I am not sure if I will get there. Entertainment is not bad, but it should never substitute for dealing with who we are. I just pray that I will be intentional about my walk with the Lord and not ignore my struggles by distracting myself with shadows. I can only be real if I chose to deal with reality.

Reflections

I am in Santa Cruz right now. It is February 4th, two years to the date from when I started this incredible journey. My flight leaves tomorrow to go to the states and all I can feel is an overwhelming numbness. Crazy considering I have imagined this time from when I began. Even imagining how I would feel. I guess part of it is that I am leaving brothers and sisters of incredible faith with whom I went through the fire and at the same time I am headed back to my family and my wonderful girlfriend, Susan, of whom I have not seen in two years. Maybe with such contradicting strong emotions I am left to feel numb. It´s not that I am not struggling leaving my family here or finally seeing my family in the states. I guess I am just still processing such a transition.

Being at the end of my term I have been thinking much about these past two years, processing what just happened. To be honest in many ways I am not so sure. I confess I came with this idea that I was going to put a dent into the lostness of the world. Even a small sense of ¨saving the world.¨ How foolish I was. I found that I did not put a dent into the lostness and in all reality I could not and will not. In trying so very hard to save people I found that the obvious truth that I cannot even save myself let alone another. This is a feat for God alone.

A part of this wanting to put this dent in lostness was a hidden evil of pride. If I planted a church I would be able to say, ¨I did my part for the Kingdom.¨ It is amazing how an evil so subtle can exist below what appears to be good intentions.

Looking back I remember how much I struggled with the down times when I was doing no work, I had no partner, I had no people group to engage. It tore me up for many reasons and in previous blogs you can see the progress of this struggle. Many times I was in tears crying out to God thinking all these people were dying and going to hell and there I was unable to do anything about it.

People tried to comfort me and tell me if God only changes me then it is all worth it. I arrogantly thought and even voiced, ¨I know God and so many don´t. So why would He send me here to only change me?¨ Later in the year I came to this same struggle and I voiced this to Efrain, my partner. I will never forget what he told me. He said, ¨Graham, what do you mean by you know God? Sometimes I feel like I still don´t know Him.¨ Gracious, I felt like a prophet of God had called me out and I just then realized how foolish my line of thought had been this whole time.

I repented from this and found my way back to truly searching God. Seeking Him. Wanting Him and wanting to know Him better. Here I was thinking I truly knew God when God is this Endless Ocean, unfathomable to man, and I was basing all my knowledge from my view point on the beach. I am amazed the things I learned from that and through that. I am still trying to know Him more and more.

Where does this leave me? Broken? More humble? I pray and hope so, but I am not so sure. I want to think what I did was something special when in all reality anyone obedient to His call could have done this. Anyone. At the beginning of all of this I just wanted God to be pleased. This got lost in my vain attempts to earn that through the work. The most beautiful thing I have found is when He shattered all of that idea and just absolutely broke me. What He revealed to me so clearly in those mountains is that God is pleased in me not because of me but because of the Cross. I feel His smile because of the Cross. It is the Cross that empowers me.

I know this is a long post and if you have made it this far I am thankful. This season of reflection has created more ramblings. Thank you for being a part of this journey with me, though I hope to keep journeying. I had put in my blog ¨Sweet Sorrow¨ that I had hoped ¨that when my time is up I will be found faithful among the faithful.¨ I pray and hope I have been faithful. I believe so though I know I had many valleys along the way. I can claim with more certainty the faithfulness of God.

I leave tomorrow to go back to the States. I may not have saved the world nor even dented the lostness, but I can claim the Cross of Christ which is worth more than anything else, more than anything I could ever do. I rejoice in saying I can feel His smile.

The Excellent Ones

My partner Efrain and his partner at present, Javier, came back from their two week trip to Quchumi. They picked up the work where Efrain had I left off in December. Today we met and talked about all that happened in the community that past time.

Our man of peace, Don,remembered all that Efrain and I told the time before and still had an incredible desire to learn the stories. One night he even went to the little house where they stay and wanted to hear a story. They were blessed to tell stories up to the point of the Passover. To hear some of the comments of Don, our man of peace, was the greatest blessing. In asking him if man was good or bad, Don thought hard and long. Finally, he just said, ¨somos pecadores, pues¨ or ¨we are sinners.¨ Don coming to this conclusion is a magnificent work of the Holy Spirit. In a follow up question (this was the story of Sodomo and Gomorrah) they asked how he could be Lot who was saved by God by the destruction. He once again thought long and hard as he does then finally said, ¨no sé, enseñame, pues¨ or ¨I don´t know, so teach me.¨

They were not without their difficulties. During this time the people of Quchumi decided to make a sacrifice to appease the gods from sending hail, which destroys crops. While these few days of activity took place Don and the rest of the people were very cold and Efrain and Javier didn´t have a chance to tell stories for the people lacked interest. They stuck it out and kept on. After the event of the sacrifice passed Don´s interest was renewed and they made it all the way to Moses.

Efrain and Javier witnessed this event and though it was very pagan in the practice and they could feel the oppression of evil all they could think of was Jesus Christ. The people sacrificed a lamb, which by their description, did not make a sound to the point of death. These people make sacrifices to appease a god that doesn´t exist all for the hope of a good crop on which their physical life depends. Our hope is that when Don hears how Christ, the Lamb of God, sacrificed His life to propitiate the sins of man, his eyes will be opened to the marvelous light of the Glory of God. The concept of sacrifice is there, but it only serves as a shadow to the beautiful truth of Christ.

I have already been on my last trip to Quchumi and it is now the work of Efrain and Javier. I am actually leaving in a week to go back to the states. My greatest hope is that those who have read this blog and read about the Quechua in Quchumi will not forget about the work that is still going. They are still on the front lines and there is a lot left to fight.

I love Psalm 16. One of my favorites. In verse three it says, ¨As for the saints in the land, they are the excellent ones in whom is my delight.¨ I think of the missionaries that are working in the land, who are on the front lines, my brothers and sisters of the faith and I immediately think of this verse. They are the excellent ones. My delight is in Efrain and Javier, the excellent ones, for they are in the land continuing the work. I delight to hear how God is still doing miracles there.

Words cannot adequately describe the oppressive feeling when it appears that the community does not want you there. It is horrible, especially being in such a difficult situation in a difficult area that the dark powers have had reign since the fall. It feels like there is a blanket of evil covering the whole place. Efrain and Javier experienced this during the time of the sacrifice, but Efrain told me that He could feel your prayers and my prayers. Please pray for them for God listens. I am sure that the evil who has reigned there for so long will not go down quietly without a fight. They need your prayers so please remember them and delight in these excellent ones who are in the land.

Remember Egypt

I just got back from Ecuador and I am here in Cochabamba, Bolivia with my team. It was such a blessing to be with the best of friends, and the best of brothers, Matt Baker. I took my vacation for about three weeks which was wonderful. The best part was the fellowship. Not just the endless hours of Bolivian Basketball (plastic hoop inside the house) but also getting deep in the Word, talking, reflecting, and meditating on the Glory of God. During one such conversation the idea for this blog came up.

Whenever I read the Old Testament it always strikes me how absurd the Israelites are forgetting the great deeds of God. There they were in Egypt and saw miracle after miracle. God separated the Red Sea, drowned the Egyptians, rained bread down from heaven, made water flow from a rock. But with each time the Israelites grumbled and doubted. There was even a time that Aaron set up a golden calf and declared that this was the very god that brought the Israelites out of Egypt.

I thought many a time that these people were so foolish for not remembering the God of their Fathers who saved them from slavery. After closer inspection of my life I found I have been just as guilty. I come upon a trial and I start to worry thinking I am sure to die.

In the present, when difficulties arise, it is easy to be caged in by our immediate circumstances. As human beings we are emotional creatures and in our weakness we give in to our fears and doubts. It is amazing when I look back at God´s victories in my life and reflect upon His Power and Majesty. Is the work of God any less incredible today than what He did with Moses and the Israelites? Certainly not! Let us remember that God became man, lived a perfect life, and at the culmination of that life died taking on all the sins of the world. Our sins. We have inherited this promise of eternal life. We, depraved, vile creatures, can approach the throne of God with confidence. Not only that but God has been my refuge through many a storm. He has given me strength in weakness. He brought me safely through the jungles and the mountains; through sickness and danger; through fears and doubts. I am still standing today because He has fought battle after battle bringing me closer and closer to His throne. Will the next battle be any different?

The story in the Bible I most vividly remember concerning this is Asa the King of Judah. At the beginning of his reign he sought the LORD with all his heart. Soon after he took the throne an army of one million from Ethiopia came to destroy Israel but Asa humbled himself and prayed for God to save the day. ¨So, the LORD defeated the Ehtiopians before Asa and before Judah.¨

Asa was king for forty-two years. A long time. In the thirty-sixth year of his reign, Baasha, king of Israel came against him. A much less formidable force than the army of a million from Ethiopia. Instead of humbling himself before the Lord and pleading for His salvation, Asa goes to the king of Syria and basically bought his help with the gold and silver from the treasures of the house of the LORD. Israel ends up being saved but by a foreign ruler.

What happened? Here was a man who saw the LORD route an army of a million. He forgot the power of the LORD and He forgot His need of the LORD. Hannani came to Asa after the battle and said, ¨Because you relied on the king of Syria, and did not rely on the LORD your God, the army of the king of Syria has escaped you. Were not the Ethiopians and the Libyans a huge army with very many chariots and horsemen? Yet because you relied on the LORD, he gave them into your hand.¨

The more we forget our need of God Almighty and how many times He has saved us time and again we grow more and more independent of God thinking that we can do this. Asa did not learn in a sad ending to a story that began so well. ¨In the thirty-ninth year of his reign Asa was diseased in his feet, and his disease became severe. Yet even in his disease he did not seek the LORD, but sought help from physicians.¨

It will do us well to remember.

Many times God has declared, ¨I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt.¨ Basically He is saying, ¨Remember me, I am He who saved you!¨ Yet like Asa we look to other means to bring us out of our troubles.

We need to remember who God is, and what He has done. It helps us face the day knowing God has brought us thus far already. I know when I reflect on the works of God I remember He has never forsaken me. When trials and troubles, hardships and difficulties arrive I can trust the LORD my God, who has been faithful every time before. I just have to remember Egypt.

2 Chronicles 14:12
2 Chronicles 16:7,8
Exodus 20:2

A Sense of Desperation

One of the greatest lessons I have learned is that it is absolutely necessary to be desperate for God. I could not learn this lesson so well in a state of comfort. I could not reach full desperation because I had escapes that manifested in a security in parents, sense of accomplishments in my peers, feelings of belonging in my friends. It was not until all of that was taken away placing my back against the wall with no escape that I began to feel desperate. It is incredible the feats that we can accomplish in desperation. We are left with no other options, no escapes. It is fight or die. So we fight as mad men desperate to reach what seems hopeless. Desperation empowers us.

In the communities fighting fear, my insecurities, constant failure, and facing the unknown I knew my only survival was in God, my Everlasting Savior. I sought Him as my life depended on it. Ironically we never feel this desperation until God takes away all that we are leaning on so that we finally fall into His Grace. Sadly I do not always acknowledge that my life and every breath depend on Him. How much to do I truly seek God in comfort? Not much, I imagine. I am not desperate. Circumstances should not dictate my desperation for His continual presence, but love. I want to be desperate for God out of my love for Him because without Him I am empty, void of life. I live and breathe because of Him. Whether we can feel it or not, we are totally dependent on His Grace in all things.

How many times have I taken the path of least resistance, taking the long way about so I wouldn’t have to face battle, when I should have chosen the hill on which I would die with my back to the sea, with no retreat, no surrender, desperately seeking He who is my Joy, my Savior? In comfort this gets lost in the fog of our own sense of security that is as sure as the wind. Many generals in the wars of men have deliberately put their men in positions of no retreat because they knew in desperation they would fight with such ferocity to live. There was no other option.

I want God as my only option and leave myself with no escape. In all circumstances I want to be desperate for Him. I want to be in the constant state of mind that says, “if I don’t seek Him, I will die.” I will not be satisfied. I will live in desperation for Him. Not only when I am left with nothing, but even when all is available, I desire to choose Him for I know that in the end He is the only real option.

“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”
- John 15:4,5

Strength in Weakness

I am vacationing in Ecuador with my good friend, Matt Baker, who I met at our orientation. It has been such a blessing to enjoy such great fellowship. While I am here I wanted to write more blogs, which have been delayed by eating and watching movies. I had this blog in mind during my time in the community this last trip.

I struggle. I am not good at being a Christian. I fight fear, guilt, and pride not to mention many other struggles with the flesh. In the communities with no place to hide this comes out clearly. I would have never admitted it but I had this attitude that by being a missionary I would be better and stronger able to stand firm against anything. All that really happened was that I realized I really never had any strength to begin with and my weaknesses were what ruled the day. There was no hiding from this. During this last trip in the first few days I found myself literally crying out to God in my despair as the circumstances seemed to have a choke hold leaving me with no confidence, desperate, drowning in the slough of despond. I was left weak with the knowledge that I could not do it and I was hoping to just survive the day.

“But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God;”

As emotions overwhelmed I was left with only the Word as a voice of reason. His Word became my refuge. Paul says in the twelfth chapter of the second letter to the Corinthians “but he said to me, ‘my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” Here lied my answer, the light revealing my hope in the darkness. Instead of denying my weaknesses and instead of running away from my inabilities I began to embrace them. I am human. I am depraved and selfish. I struggle with pride. At the end of the day left to myself I cannot, absolutely cannot do this. In this revelation I was without an option to shed my pride and beg for God to take over. I was at the end of my rope and for us proud creatures it is many times the best place to be. We can only turn to the Savior above.

When I finally admitted my weaknesses the strength of God was manifested and I slowly picked myself up and fought with courage in His strength knowing the whole time it was He who moved in me.

As light shines, it stands out the most in darkness. Christ says to Paul, “My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” The glory of God reveals itself most powerfully and most beautifully in our weaknesses for man can see it was the hand of God the whole time. God’s power is made perfect in weakness because the truth of His Glory is revealed as our glory fades into the shadows.

How many times did God save Israel against an enemy that had more soldiers, more horses, more chariots? Israel was greatest when she was weak because God took joy in making His power perfect showing that He was the LORD and there was no other by His saving grace.

Paul learned the strength of weakness as he says, “For the sake of Christ, then I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak I am strong.” This is not a call to be lazy or to accept mediocrity, but the admission that besides the Holy Spirit we cannot by any means be good or do the LORD’s work by our strength. I have to throw my hands up and allow Christ to show His great power because at the end of the day I want to smile as I look back knowing for certain that it was His Hand all along.

I take the pleasure today seeing how God did the work with the Quechua. He stirred the heart of our man of peace all by Himself. I endured the work, the food, the uncomfortable conditions because I knew I could not do it on my own and I relied on His grace to carry me to the end. We hate being vulnerable. But it is in our vulnerability, our weaknesses, our inabilities that God can vividly show His Perfected Power. When I see His power perfected I have no claim on the glory that is rightfully His. In weakness I seek His strength making me stronger than anything I can do on my own. When I am weak, I am strong.

Everlasting to Everlasting

Our trip ended a bit prematurely and now we are resting well in Sucre waiting for Navidad to arrive. This was my last trip to the communities but I am blessed to say it was probably the best of trips I could have hoped for.

We arrived in Quchumi the 11th of November with the hope of telling stories to Santo Filipe with whom we had the pleasure of telling the first day of creation the last day of the last trip. It was his interest in the stories that gave us reason to return to Quchumi without having to wipe the dust from our feet.

We still stayed with Don, the man of peace with whom we had much trouble on the last trip and as always were promised with much work. ¨Siempre hay trabajo.¨ After a day or two getting into the routine (as much as one can hope for a routine that is) we visited Santo Filipe and set a date to learn the stories, which was only a day or two away. When the date arrived Santo did not show up. Disappointed we continued with the order of the day which was working on an Adobe with Don.

During the last trip we had more or less given up hope on Don learning the stories or even having interest. We found him much more agreeable from the first day of our arrival. On the same day we were supposed to meet with Santo Filipe, we finally finished work around three. To my great joy and surprise Don asked if we were going to study the story. I was more shocked than anything that my partner had to respond and say that we would be happy to teach the story.

That day I told the first two days of creation. Don kept saying he wanted to learn and was actually very adamant about it. It is amazing how the LORD orders things, this life, and all that we experience. It is always in His timing, His way; we had done nothing to spur this man’s interest and desire. It was clear that the Holy Spirit was moving in him.

From then on until we left we taught stories usually at the request of Don. Starting from the creation we made it as far as the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Throughout this time we could see a real change in our man of peace. There was more of a willingness and trust between us. Don was comfortable enough to ask questions like if the sun was a god. Through our stories and discussions we were able to see more barriers and bridges to the Gospel.

There was a change in Don’s son, Philemon, as well. The same kid that mocked us last time during the stories we found sitting at first in the background seemingly disinterested to later participating in all of our stories. He even asked if he could copy the story of Cain and Abel.

After the first few days we rarely saw Santo Filipe much to our disappointment. Though one of the best moments during the whole trip was when we were called to one of the village meetings. They were passing out seeds for their crops and when they were done asked if we could give an orientation of our work. I explained briefly our purpose to which they asked for a story. I then told the first two days of creation. Being a long story I wasn’t sure if they wanted to hear the whole thing. They asked Don if that was all and he responded, ¨No, there is way more than that!¨ I then completed the whole story of the creation in Quechua to the whole community of Quchumi. It is overwhelming to think that God would use someone like me in such a way. One of the greatest moments I have had in South America. After my story they asked Efrain for the story of the fall of man.

During this trip we helped build a meeting house for the community. I asked if we could later tell stories there and all were more than happy to agree.

Throughout this time I was keenly aware that God was moving. Quchumi is a beautiful place that sits on the side of a mountain leading down to a river separating the mountains opposing the community. It was as if the mountains stood as a testimony of the power, the majesty of God. I was reminded of the prayer of Moses, the man of God, ¨Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth the world, from everlasting to everlasting You are God.¨ God, the Everlasting God, had formed these mountains with the hearts of these men in mind. It was beautiful to see how God worked in Quchumi and to see it was all Him. May I never doubt the power and glory of God who is from everlasting to everlasting.